Waiting on 'Superman'
by TheRescuer2
Summary: "And all of a sudden, he's ten again, and wondering why everything bad happens to them." He was waiting on 'Superman', but it seemed like he wasn't coming anytime soon, so he made a big mistake. Now, he is trying to recover, without the help of his hero.
1. Chapter 1

**Waiting On 'Superman'**

**I decided its time to do some Kendall-angst. One of my upcoming stories is total James-angst. I've had Carlos trapped in an earthquake and have done so many things to Logan…so now its Kendall's turn! Ha. I love angst. And this story will include some serious angst. I'm trying to expand my writing abilities, like not just focusing on one character. So, I hope you all enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot.**

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_"...Of course I'm scared. I'm not Superman." _~Jackie Chan  
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**Chapter One**

Charlene Knight always knew her son had a knack for getting himself in some type of trouble. Whether it was girls, bullies, bad grades, anything, he would figure it out on his own. She could always tell when her son was in trouble, and she would be silently by his side, rubbing small circles on his back while Kendall cried over his troubles.

Now, Charlene stood in the doorway of Kendall's room, watching the medics place an oxygen mask over her son's face. She had always been able to see Kendall was in trouble, so how could she have seen this coming? How could she have not seen her son was drowning in his own misery and sorrows? What kind of mother was she for not seeing her baby boy needed somebody to help? How could she not see this coming?

"Mrs. Knight!" James cried out. James, Carlos, and Logan came running over to her, embracing her in a hug. "What happened?" Logan asked as the group pulled apart. Mrs. Knight wiped her eyes as the medics loaded Kendall onto a stretcher. "He tried to hang himself." Mrs. Knight whispered. "My little Kendall tried to kill himself." Mrs. Knight collapsed against the doorway, hysterical in sobs. Carlos let out a sharp gasp, while Logan placed his hands behind his head, fighting back tears that began to swim in his brown eyes. James, overcome by rage, punched a wall, creating a small dent in the plaster.

The stretcher with Kendall on it rolled past them. "Can somebody get Katie at her friend's house and bring her to the hospital?" Mrs. Knight asked. "I'm going with Kendall."

James nodded his head and grabbed his car keys, heading out the apartment door. Mrs. Knight followed the stretcher down the hall, along with Carlos and Logan trailing shortly behind. The stretcher went into the elevator while the two boys ran down the stairs. Heads turned as the stretcher rushed through the lobby, and got loaded into the awaiting ambulance outside in the parking lot. Carlos and Logan attempted to jump into the stretcher, but medics pushed them back. "Sorry, only family." One medic said as she swung the doors shut in their faces.

Carlos can't help but feel déjà vu as the other door to the ambulance swings shut. Back in Minnesota, they always got hurt, but only sometimes it was serious enough for a trip to the emergency room. The worst trip though was when they were all ten years old, standing helplessly in the dark of the night as Kendall was loaded up into a stretcher, similar to today.

"_Carlos!" A voice shouted. The ten year old turned around to see James standing on the edge of his driveway, and even in the dark of the night, Carlos could see the panicked look on his friend's face. Carlos handed his mother the leftovers that they had taken home from the restaurant and jogged down the edge where James stood. "What's wrong?" Carlos asked._

"_It's Kendall." James breathed. "He's seriously hurt."_

"_What happened?" Carlos asked, concern and panic filling his whole body over the fact that one of his friends were hurt. A tear slid down James's face, and the brunette didn't answer. Carlos placed his hands on James's shoulders, and shook the boy hard. "James, what happened to Kendall?"_

"_He fell down the stairs of his house." James whispered. "Logan called me and told me there is a lot of blood."_

_Carlos didn't even need to hear another word as he took off down the street towards Kendall's street. He could hear his parents shouting for him and James's pounding footsteps behind him. Carlos skidded a little as he stopped in front of Kendall's front lawn. Logan ran away from his parents and embraced Carlos and James in a tight hug. A crowd had gathered around the front yard on the sidewalk. The stretcher with Kendall came out of the open door of the front house, and Carlos could see the blood covering half of the blonde's head. "Kendall." Carlos whispered._

"_We have to go with him to the hospital." James declared. The three friends took off towards the ambulance, and when they tried to jump in, a medic pushed them back. "Sorry boys, family only." The medic said._

"_We're Kendall's best friends!" Logan protested. "We're practically his brothers."_

"_Sorry, but like I said kid, family only." The medic repeated, and slammed the door shut in their faces. The ambulance roared off into the night, and Carlos couldn't help recall all the times they had taken trips to the emergency room. Like when James's broke his collarbone climbing a tree. Like when he fell off the monkey bears at the playground and broke his arm. Like when Logan broke his leg when they went snowboarding behind their elementary school. But not once had they ever had something so bad that it required an ambulance._

_Carlos looked up into the night sky, and silently asked, "Why do all the bad things keep happening to us?" _

_Nobody answered._

Carlos watched as the ambulance roared off into the night. And all of a sudden, he's ten again, and wondering why everything bad happens to them.

And once again, nobody answers him.

Logan tugged on Carlos's arm, snapping the boy out of his memory. "Come on; let's get going to the hospital." He said. Carlos nodded as the two hopped into Logan's car and followed the ambulance. Carlos stared out the window the entire time, and kept asking silently why everything bad always seems to happen to them.

And still, the only answer he received was agonizing silence.


	2. Chapter 2

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**This chapter takes us three weeks back before Kendall tried to hang himself. The following chapters will lead us up to what happen in Chapter One. Also, I'm going back to my putting a quote at the beginning of the chapters like I have done with previous stories. I put in a quote for Chapter One, so if you want to know what is it, go check it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot.**

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"_One of the greatest things about being a teenager is the sharing, the closeness and the great times you have with your friends."_ ~Unknown**

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**Chapter Two**

Kendall Knight rolled over, slamming his fist down on top of his beeping alarm clock. He could hear Logan outside the room, moving about as he got ready for the day. Kendall threw the covers off him, stretching his long legs out. He got up out of his bed, yawning as he opened the door and exited out of his bedroom. He walked down the hall, tiptoeing past James's and Carlos's room, not wanting to wake them. The boy rounded the corner and saw Logan at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal and flipping through a medical dictionary.

"Morning." Kendall mumbled as he stumbled into the kitchen and poured himself a bowl of cereal. He plopped down into a seat across from Logan, who flipped the page of his book. Logan looked up and chuckled a little.

"What?" Kendall questioned as Logan took another bite of his cereal. "Your hair." Logan chuckled. Kendall ran his fingers through blonde hair. "What's wrong with my hair?" Kendall asked.

"James would kill you if he saw you with hair like that." Logan joked as he flipped to the next page of his book.

"Well excuse me for not spraying my hair with hairspray before I go to bed." Kendall smirked as he brought the spoon to his mouth. Kendall and Logan continued to eat, the only noise coming from their moving mouths or Logan flipping the pages of his book. As Kendall neared the bottom of his bowl and Logan placed his empty one in the sink, Carlos emerged into the kitchen and sat down next to Kendall at the table.

"I had a crazy dream." Carlos stated. "I was eating cereal, and I couldn't find the toy at the bottom of the box!"

"Carlos that happened yesterday morning." Logan pointed out as he placed a bowl of cereal in front of Carlos. The boy picked up his spoon and dived right in. "I was hoping it was a dream." The boy mumbled as Kendall laughed and put his empty bowl in the sink. There was a large crash from down the hall. Kendall and Logan looked at each other and said, "James is up."

And they were right. James came stumbling from around the corner and collapsed into the first chair his brown eyes rested upon. He placed his head against the table and declared, "I hate mornings."

"We all do." Logan said as he placed a bowl of cereal in front of James much like he did with Carlos. It was the same routine every morning. Logan would get up first, then Kendall. Logan would usually finish his breakfast first. As Kendall finished up his breakfast, Carlos would wake up and Logan would give him something to eat. Kendall would then finish eating as James woke up and Logan gave him breakfast. As James and Carlos ate, Logan would go in the shower. When Logan came out, Kendall would go in. By this time, Carlos had finished breakfast. Then when Kendall got out, Carlos would go in. James would usually go back to sleep while Carlos was in the shower, and when the Latino got out, James would go in as he took the longest in the bathroom, and him going in last allowed him the most time to get ready. By ten, all four boys would be dressed and would catch the waiting limo that would take them off to whatever Gustavo had awaiting for them at Rocque Records.

The routine ran its smooth course, and as the clock struck ten, all four boys walked out of 2J and down the hall, where the next part of the routine continued. As the boys stepped into the elevator, Stephanie walked by and gave her normal good morning wave. As the doors shut, the boys waved back. The elevator then took its quick ride down, and as the boys stepped out, Camille walked up to Logan, slapped him across the face, and then kissed him before going on her way. The boys walked by the couches where James winked at whatever cute girl was sitting there that today, causing the girl to nearly pass out. They reached the front doors, where Jo was waiting for Kendall. The two kissed before the boys walked out the doors and hopped into the awaiting limo.

"The girl on the couch was pretty cute this morning." James said as the limo turned onto the main road.

"You say that about every girl you see every morning." Kendall said, rolling his eyes slightly at the boy sitting next to him.

"I didn't say that the one morning Camille was sitting there." James replied. Logan gave James a glare. "That's because you can't call my girlfriend cute when I'm there!" Logan exclaimed.

"You said I can't call your girlfriend cute when you're there." James said. "So can I call her cute when you're not around?" Logan leaned across the seat and flicked James in the center of his forehead. James let out a small yelp and covered his face with his hands. "Don't hurt the face!" He shouted.

"So there really was no toy at the bottom of the box yesterday morning?" Carlos asked out of the blue.

"Yes Carlos, there really was no toy." Kendall said. "Do you not remember ripping the box out of my mother's hands when she came home from the grocery store last week?"

"Did I fall that day?" Carlos asked. The three other boys in the limo shook their heads yes. "Was I wearing my helmet when I fell?" Carlos asked next. He received a no as his answer. "Then that explains why I don't remember taking the toy out of the box." Carlos declared, leaning back against the seat, a smile on his face like he had just discovered a cure for a disease.

"Well thank you for the diagnose Dr. Carlos." Logan said sarcastically. Carlos's face seemed to drop for a second, and then lit up again. "I'm a doctor?" Carlos asked with enthusiasm. Kendall let out a laugh and he rested his head against the window, watching as the limo pulled into Rocque Records. Kelly greeted them at the back door like usual as they exited the car one by one, in the same order as usual; Kendall, then James, the Carlos, and lastly Logan.

Kelly ran through the boys through the day's schedule like usual, and the boys all knew what was going to happen. Gustavo would tell Logan he needed to improve his dancing, Carlos needed to improve his singing, James needed to stop looking at him a mirror, and Kendall to stop back-sassing him on certain things.

Some things just don't change; and sometimes, it is for the best.


	3. Chapter 3

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**Someone asked if I got the title of this story from the movie of the same name. Yes, I did get the title from there, but this story has nothing to do with the movie. I fell in love with the title, so that is why I used it. The 'Superman' part is just a metaphor…well, I can't tell you what the metaphor stands for. Let's see who can guess it right first.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot.**

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_"Don't worry. Things will get worse." ~_George Skelton

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**Chapter Three**

Kendall was having an off day. And that's what worried everybody; Kendall _never_ had an off day. His dance moves were always right on, his notes always hit the right pitch. Kendall never came down with Hollywood fever or forgot his Minnesota roots. Kendall Knight never had an off day.

So when he tripped over his own two feet at dance rehearsals with Mr. X, it caused a silent alarm to be triggered.

"Kendall!" James, Carlos, and Logan shouted as they rushed over to their fallen friend. Microphones clattered to the floor as the three rushed towards their fallen friend, who just lying flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling. James, Carlos, and Logan appeared in Kendall's line of vision as Mr. X stopped the music.

"Are you okay?" James asked as Logan and Carlos pulled Kendall off the ground. "You took a pretty nasty fall there."

That sentence pinched a nerve in Kendall. He didn't know why, it just did. "Yeah, I just tripped over my shoelaces." Kendall said. Carlos looked down at Kendall's shoes. "Kendall, you don't have laces on your shoes." Carlos pointed out.

"It was just a mistake." Kendall shrugged. "No big deal. Everybody makes mistakes. Let's just go back to rehearsal, okay?" Kendall turned around and got back to his starting position as he heard Logan mumble, "Yeah, everybody makes mistake _but_ Kendall Knight."

And Kendall felt his stomach drop at Logan's comment.

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"Stop, Stop, Stop!" Gustavo screeched. The music in the recording booth was cut and all the boys stopped singing. "Kendall, what was that?" Gustavo questioned. "You sounded like a dying cat!" Kendall let out an unnoticeable sigh as he took off his headphones. "I don't know." Kendall shrugged.

"Well fix whatever your problem is right now dog." Gustavo commanded. He turned towards Kelly and said, "Maybe the problem lies underneath those giant, bushy eyebrows."

"We can still hear you!" James exclaimed into the microphone at seeing Kendall's hurt face. Gustavo quickly spun around in his chair, face red at being caught. "Let's just take it from the top again, okay?" The man said as he started up the music. The music carried on, no words being sung, as Kendall was supposed to start the song off. Carlos nudged him in the ribs, but Kendall just threw off his headphones and rushed out of the booth. James, Carlos, and Logan quickly followed him into the lobby of Rocque Records.

"Gustavo didn't mean that." Logan stated as the three boys stopped in front of Kendall, who sat on one of the couches, rubbing his face in his hands while his elbows rested on his knees. "He says a lot of things he doesn't mean."

"He's just mad that we are we seem more like cats than dogs together." Carlos joked as he plopped himself down next to Kendall. At seeing Kendall wasn't even cracking a smile, Carlos placed a reassuring hand on Kendall' shoulder. The blonde looked at him. "You're just having an off day, that's all." Carlos said softly. "Why don't we just go back to the Palm Woods?"

"Yeah, that's do that." Logan agreed. "We have been working overtime a lot lately, and need a breather for a little."

"I'll go tell Gustavo." James said, slipping off behind the doors into the studio. The room filled with a silence, but Kendall could feel his head pounding. He tried to keep reassuring himself he was having an off day, but he couldn't shake the feeling off him. It felt like he was covered from head to toe in some kind of bacteria, and no matter how hard he tried to get it off him, it clung to him like glue. Minutes past and soon James came out from behind the doors again. "Gustavo said we can have the rest of today off and tomorrow." James reported. Carlos and Logan let out cheers and Kendall let out a sigh of relief.

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The rest of the day went by fairly quickly. The boys passed most of their day by the pool, and finished it of with some hockey in their living room, despite Kendall's mother yelling at them to stop before the broke something. Carlos reassured her they wouldn't break anything, and the next thing everybody knew, Carlos ran into a vase, sending it shattering to the floor. Everybody laughed at the irony of the situation.

Now Kendall was waiting in the lobby for Jo to come home from work. He knew filming was had been running late for the past several weeks, as Jo had told him, so he had set up a romantic dinner for two by the pool in hopes to relieve her of some of the stress of a hard day. The boy sat impatiently on the couch, tapping his foot up and down. Everybody had retired for sleep, including Bitters. The food had gone cold, and Kendall yawned to himself. He heard an engine running outside the front doors, and it had been running for the past twenty minutes. Being the good person he was, Kendall decided to go shut it off just in case someone had left it on by mistake.

Kendall walked out the front doors and across the parking lot, and saw two shadowy figures in a car. He slowly approached the car and as he came up on the rear, he froze in his tracks.

In the car, despite the fact it was dark, Kendall could clearly see a blonde haired girl, his _girlfriend_, sitting in the passenger seat of the car, leaning over and kissing a muscular guy. Kendall brought his fist up in the air and slammed down on the trunk of the car, causing the two bodies in the car to rip away from each other and look backwards for the source of the noise. One of the doors flew open and Jo stumbled out, her hair a wreck. "Kendall!" She exclaimed. Jo rushed forward and threw her arms around Kendall's neck, kissing the boy's cheek.

Kendall, in his shock, slowly unwrapped Jo's hands from around her neck. "Why?" He whispered, shoving Jo back slightly. Kendall scanned the face he had fallen in love with for any sign of guilt, remorse. He found a slight trace of guilt, but that was all. The other person in the car stepped out and Kendall saw Jo's make out buddy was none other than Jett Stettson.

"Jett!" Jo hissed. "Get back in the car!" Jett looked at Kendall, giving the blonde a smug smile before getting back into the car. Kendall looked at Jo, who had a sad look on her face. "I'm sorry." She said, lowering her head slightly. Jo reached out for Kendall, but the second her finger tips touched Kendall's forearm, he withdrew. Kendall backed away, shaking his head before making a mad dash into the Palm Woods. He ran up the stairs two steps at time, before finally reaching his floor. He ran down the hall and flung open the door to 2J. Kendall entered and slammed the door behind him, and mostly importantly, Jo and Jett.

"You okay Kendall?" James's voice asked from the couch. Kendall's wide eyes settled on the living room, where James, Carlos, and Logan sat, looking at him in concern. "You look like you saw a ghost."

"How did you date with Jo go?" Logan asked. At the mention of Jo's name, Kendall could feel her poison touch on his arm once again. He ran off into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. On the other side, Kendall could hear James, Carlos, and Logan yelling for him to tell them what was wrong. Kendall turned on the shower, jumping in the shower fully clothed. He took the soap and scrubbed at his arm till his skin was raw and burning red, but he could still feel Jo's touch on him. Kendall dropped the soap and sunk down to the bottom of the tub, curling up in a ball. The cold water pricked at his skin, but he didn't care. Kendall just laid on at the bottom of the tub, curled up in a ball.

Kendall was defiantly having an off day.


	4. Chapter 4

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**Nobody guessed what the metaphor means yet. And maybe you guys never will, because I think its better kept a secret till the end…**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot.**

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"_Let's play a game of whose life sucks worse ... I'll win, I always win ... "~_Dr. Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy**

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**Chapter Four**

Logan let out a groan as he came into the apartment, slamming the door behind him. Kendall was sitting on the couch, staring absentmindly at the television. Logan collapsed onto his back, his head landed near Kendall's knees. Kendall, letting out yet another silent sigh, and looked at Logan, putting on his best 'let-me-care-about-all-your-problems-and-not-mine' look. The look he was not in the mood to put on.

"What's wrong Logan?" Kendall asked. Logan's brown eyes wandered up to Kendall's green ones. "Camille wants to be just friends again." Logan groaned. He sat up, and pulled his knees up to his chest. Once he was settled, Logan ran his hands through his dark brown hair. "I mean, she keeps changing her mind. Let's be friends! Let's date and then kiss James! Let's be friends, kiss, and go on a date, but still be friends afterwards! I wish she could just make up her mind, you know?" Logan said. Kendall just nodded his head. Logan continued to babble on, making Kendall wish he would just shut his mouth.

"Camille, she is just so pretty, and it bothers me that we aren't together. Don't tell her I said this, but I get a happy every time she doesn't get a part she wants, because usually they are romance parts and that means she would have to kiss other guys. Camille may not know this, but I'm really protective of her and care a lot about her, and don't want to see her get hurt by some heartthrob jerk that would use her publicity. That's why I was really upset when she kissed James, because well, you and I know James better than anybody else, and sometimes he can be a real womanizer. And if James ever hurt Camille…"

"Logan," Kendall tried to interrupt, but the younger boy continued on. "James always ends up hurting girls. He did it that girl Nina back in Minnesota. Remember Nina? She was such a nice girl then James got his hands on her and it was all down hill from there. I hear she joined a circus or something after James dumped her…"

"Logan, shut up!" Kendall shouted. Logan clamped his mouth shut, too shocked to speak after hearing Kendall's harsh tone directed at him. If there was thing Kendall never did, it was yelling at anybody to shut up. "First of all, Nina never joined a circus. Her father is in the military, and the family was moving closer to his base so she could see him more often." Kendall stated.

"Are you sure?" Logan asked. "Because when I saw the moving truck and I swore a pair of clown shoes."

"Logan, shut up about the stupid circus already!" Kendall screamed, causing Logan to flinch slightly. "And don't worry about Camille. You two will be dating again in no time. So just chill out and watch some hockey with me." Kendall turned back towards the television, and cranking up the volume.

"Do you even care?" Logan questioned. Kendall pressed mute and looked at his friend, who had an angry look on his face. "You're acting like this is nothing."

"That's because this is nothing." Kendall said. "You and Camille are on and off more than Ross and Rachel from _Friends._ Just give her some time, and she will be back to you in no time."

"I thought you were supposed to give great advice." Logan muttered under his breath, but once again, Kendall's strong ears picked up on his friend's hatred-filled words. Kendall slammed the remote down on the coffee table in front of him, causing Logan to jump in surprise. "Well excuse me for not wanting to babysit you today Logan." Kendall hissed. Logan looked at his friend in confusion. "Kendall, what are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about?" Kendall shouted. "What are you talking about? For the past two days, you have done nothing but make snide remarks about me being my own back. What kind of friend does that?"

"Kendall, are you okay?" Logan asked. Kendall jumped up, his anger at the world pouring out at Logan. "Am I okay? Does it look like I'm _okay?_ One of my best friends doesn't have the guts to say anything to my face, and has to hide behind snippy comments like a little girl. He can't solve a simple problem on his own, and one about a girl? Last time I checked Logan, you have gone out on a handful of dates. Aren't you supposed to be smart? Maybe I should buy you the _Dating for Dummies_ guide. Maybe then you can actually learn how to defend for yourself, because frantically I'm tired of doing it myself. Man up and solve something on your own first once. Or maybe you could listen to my problems for once? How about that?" Kendall took a pause, taking in a deep breathe. Logan just stared, his mouth slightly opened. "I like that idea. How about you shut that mouth of yours that never seems to close, and listen to my problems. Because guess what Logan, it turns out that Kendall Knight does make mistakes. Remember saying that yesterday behind my back? Or do you not remember it? I think it went something along the lines of, 'Yeah, everybody makes mistake _but_ Kendall Knight.'"

Logan's jaw dropped, and Kendall threw his hands up in the air. "Finally, the boy genius remembers something!" Kendall exclaimed sarcastically. "Well news flash Logan, when you make a comment about someone and they're standing right next to you, they are bound to hear. Oh, and another news flash, I do make mistakes. Unlike you and Camille, who are able to tell each other your whiny pathetic little secrets and problems, I can't trust Jo with anything. Why is that? Because I don't have a girlfriend anymore, because she is nothing more than a mistake. A mistake? Jo Taylor a mistake of Kendall Knight, the boy who never makes mistakes according to you. Can you believe that? The great Kendall Knight made a mistake, and I bet your just loving that I did make a mistake. I'm leaving now, and you better not follow me. I'll just leave you hear to make more comments about me, because I know how much you love to do that Logan."

Kendall stormed off towards the door, and he didn't hear Logan follow him. When the boy was slamming the door, he saw Logan still sitting on the couch, staring at the spot where Kendall had told him off. Kendall walked off down the hall, and ran down the stairs. He found himself in the parking lot, and stormed right through it. And as if fate had decided to put him through even more pain than he was in, Kendall saw Jo and Jett were once again in Jett's car, making out. Kendall stormed right past, his broken heart breaking even more, if it was possible. Kendall found himself on a sidewalk, and just walked down it, praying the breeze in the air would be able to take his problems away and just carry them far, far away from him.

"Mommy, why does that boy look so angry?" A little boy sitting on a bench asked as Kendall walked past. Kendall nearly halted and screamed at the two as the mother said, "Honey, it's not nice to stare at strangers. The boy clearly has problems, and we don't associate with messed up people like him."

Kendall just carried on, the weight of the world on his shoulders. And for once, Kendall actually considered letting the weight just destroy him, because then what way, he wouldn't have to feel it anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

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Waiting On 'Superman'

**Some of you have really good guesses for the what superman stands for. One of them may actually be…nope, I'm not telling. Nope. My lips are sealedshut. For now, just enjoy the story and we can worry about guessing later on.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot.**

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"_Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others."_ ~Winston Churchill**

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**Chapter Five**

"Hey there, Logan." James greeted as he entered the apartment. "I just had an amazing day. Sun block girl and I sat by the pool all day, talking. She loves long walks on the beach, puppies, and romantic movies. And guess what? It turns out I like all those things too." James let out a happy sigh and collapsed onto the couch next to Logan. He leaned forward and picked up the remote, changing the channel. At seeing Logan wasn't responding, James said, "Logan, say something." James leaned over slightly and poked Logan's cheek. "You're not dead are you? Or frozen? What did Carlos do to you!" James stood up and shook Logan, who finally looked up at James. "Stop shaking me." Logan ordered. James fell back and the couch. "I thought you were a goner." James said.

"Kendall told me off." Logan stated. James looked at Logan. "Kendall…told you off?" James asked slowly. "Kendall never tells anybody off unless they hurt him."

"Well apparently I hurt him." Logan said. "Yesterday I made some comment about him never making mistakes and he heard it. Then about ten minutes ago he just blew up at me. Said something about Jo being a mistake he made."

"Jo?" James repeated. "What does Jo have to do with this?"

"I don't know." Logan said. "All I know is Kendall just exploded at me and ran off, telling me not to follow him. I figured he needed some alone time to cool off, so I let him. He'll be back soon, right?"

"Kendall never needs to cool off." James declared, standing up. "I don't know what's wrong with him, but we are going to find out right now. Go find Carlos; I know exactly where Kendall is."

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"Told you I was right." James said, nudging Logan in the ribs. James, Carlos, and Logan sat in the stands at the local ice rink, watching Kendall furiously shoot pucks into the goal. "And you said I'm never right."

"Even Carlos could have told you that Kendall was here." Logan said. Carlos looked over at Logan with a raised eyebrow and said, "What is that supposed to mean?"

James and Logan just laughed. The laughter echoed down to ice, and Kendall stopped shooting to look up. "Busted." Carlos said in a sing-song voice. The three stood up and walked down the concrete stairs to where the rink met the stands. Kendall met them there, unsure of how he was supposed to face them.

"What are you doing here?" Kendall asked. Glaring at Logan, he added, "I said I wanted to be alone."

"Yeah, and Carlos wants to be a brain surgeon." James joked. "Just like how I want to have a bald head when I'm older." James swung his feet over the side and jumped into the rink, nearly slipping on the ice since he wasn't wearing any skates. Kendall helped straighten his wobbly friend out. "Come on Kendall, you knew we were going to show up." James said. "How long have you been here for?"

"Two hours." Kendall mumbled.

"Two hours." James repeated. "And in the two hours you have been here, how long do you think we have been here for?"

"Two hours." Kendall sighed in defeat, knowing James was right. They had been here, waiting for him to cool down. His friends had been patiently waiting for Kendall to regain his senses. And it worked.

"Now, in those two hours all four of us have been here, I know you have been thinking about things. Care to let them off your chest?" James smirked. Kendall couldn't help but smile a little, and attempted to skate off. Instead, he found himself getting tackled to the ice by his three best friends. As Kendall laid against the cold ice, he found his problems melt away with his laughter.

"No playing around on the ice!" The owner of the rink shouted from above. James, Carlos, and Logan got up off Kendall, all of them smiling. The angry owner, a man named Rick in his late sixties, stood at the top of the stands, tapping his foot. "What did I say about going on the ice without any skates on?" Rick shouted. Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan were frequent skaters at the rink, so Rick knew them quite well. The old man was friendly and kind, but was serious about the rules about going on the ice, as he did not like seeing young children get injured because of their own stupidity. "Do I have to ban you boys?" Rick asked. James, Carlos, and Logan quickly rose to their feet, slipping and sliding to get off the ice. After several falls later, Kendall was the only one on the ice with skates.

"Won't happen again Rick." Kendall replied.

"Better not, or you boys are going to have find another rink to skate at." Rick threatened. Carlos couldn't help but laugh. "You wouldn't kick out your favorite skaters. You know you enjoy our stupidity." Carlos laughed. Rick smiled and shook his head, walking off.

"So Kendall…are we good?" Logan asked slowly. Kendall nodded his head and the two hugged it out. James and Carlos awed, causing Kendall and Logan pulled away from each other, shaking their heads at the other two.

* * *

"You know what I want right now?" Carlos said as Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan walked through the lobby of the Palm Woods. "I wish we had some of Gustavo's pudding. That was some good pudding."

"That pudding caused us to lose a cat, break a statue, almost ruin an expensive couch, release an alligator from a moat, made me faint, and almost bring Gustavo's mansion to ruins?" Logan said as the four stepped into the elevator.

"But we had fun doing it." Carlos countered as the elevator doors closed and jerked upward.

"It caused me to miss a night of beauty sleep!" James exclaimed. "Do you know how hard it was for me to regain that beauty? I thought I was going to lose," James pointed to his face. "All this because I missed one night's sleep."

"And we almost lost our jobs." Kendall added. "Sorry Carlos, but that pudding caused us a lot of trouble."

"It was still good." Carlos muttered. The elevator doors opened and the four boys stepped out. As the four made their way down the hall to 2J, they talked about Kendall's shooting and how it hadn't changed. How it was still perfect. Kendall couldn't stop smiling. He felt so much better about himself. His fight with Logan was far away and as was Jo and her cheating ways. Kendall's life was perking up, and it was going to stay that way.

Logan unlocked the door to the apartment, and the four stepped inside to a sight they weren't used to. Mrs. Knight was sitting on the couch, wiping her eyes free off tears. Her face was red from crying so much, and despite the fact she was trying to stop, Mrs. Knight's body still shook with sobs.

"Mom?" Kendall asked, rushing to his crying mother's side. Kendall got down on his knees next to her, placing a hand on her shaking shoulder. James, Carlos, and Logan came up behind Kendall. All four boys' faces were filled with concern.

"Mom what's wrong?" Kendall asked. Mrs. Knight opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was another sob. "Mom, what's wrong?" Kendall asked again. "Is it Katie? Where is she? Is she okay? Mom, answer me!"

"Your…" Mrs. Knight began, but all that came out was another cry.

"Mom, you need to tell me what's going on." Kendall pleaded. "Please Mom, tell me what happened? Where is Katie?"

"She is okay." Mrs. Knight choked out. Kendall let out a sigh of relief, but Mrs. Knight continued to cry. "Mom, if Katie is okay, then why are you crying?"

"Your…" Mrs. Knight took a deep breathe, finding her voice. "You father died in a car crash."


	6. Chapter 6

**Waiting On 'Superman'**

**I know I left all you hanging with the last cliffhanger. I'm trying to make this the chapters as long as I can. And I'm really getting into this Kendall-angst stuff. Maybe in the future I will write more. Oh, and someone asked when the three weeks leading up to the hanging is over, if the story will just skip right into Kendall recovery. I will lead right up to the Kendall's attempt, and then take it from there.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot.**

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"_We like Batman - we understand him, we suffer with him. On the other hand, we want to be Superman. But they're conflicting philosophies. Let's bring them together in one movie and see how we, as an audience, wrestle with our inner demons._" ~Wolfgang Petersen

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**Chapter Six**

"Dad's dead?" Kendall asked, tears beginning to blur his green eyes "When...where…how…no!" Kendall screamed, shifted to sitting on the floor. He brought his knees to his chest, and grabbed his blonde hair in his fists. He clutched his head, resting his head against his knees. He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing that this wasn't real, that he could be anymore but here.

"Kendall, I'm sorry." Mrs. Knight whispered. Kendall fell forward into her legs, and his mother rubbed soft circles on his back like when he was child and was scared. James, Carlos, and Logan silently slipped out of the room, leaving the two to grieve with the silence of their own tears. Kendall cried, Mrs. Knight crying along with him.

"He can't be gone!" Kendall cried. His father was his hero. Kendall looked up to his father with a passion. Kenneth Knight taught Kendall every thing he knew. Kenneth taught Kendall about sports, girls, and life in general. Kendall modeled himself after his father, and despite that he wasn't in Hollywood, the two still talked on the phone everyday. Kendall was very close with his father, despite the fact that his parents were separated.

The divorce came when Kendall was eight and Katie was four. Mr. and Mrs. Knight had a peaceful divorce compared to most. The couple decided they wanted different things and whatever spark their relationship used to have was gone. Kendall was heartbroken over the fact that his father wasn't going to be around as much, but Kenneth reassured his young son that he was still going to be involved in Kendall's life as much as he could, and his father kept true to his word. Kenneth tried as hard as he could to show up at every game, every award. Sometimes work got in the way, and Kendall understood. When Kendall was ten, Kenneth remarried a woman named Alex, and the two had a child the same year, a little girl named Lea. Kendall at first rejected his stepmother and half-sister, but Kendall learned of Alex's love of hockey and the two hit it off from there.

"What about Lea and Alex?" Kendall lifted his head, his stepmother and six year old sister coming into his head. "Are they okay?"

"They weren't in the car." Mrs. Knight replied. "Your father just got off a plane after business in Miami and was driving home…it was dark and this man was drunk…" Mrs. Knight trailed off again, unable to find words. Kendall just dropped his head against his mother's knees against, crying. "This isn't happening…" Kendall muttered.

"He's gone Kendall." Mrs. Knight whispered, sniffling. She wiped her eyes of tears and rubbed soft circles on Kendall's shaking back, like she did when her son was younger. "I'm so sorry, but your father is dead."

"He's not dead!" Kendall screamed. He pushed himself off the floor and ran to the house phone. Kendall ripped the cordless black phone off its receiver and punched in his father's cell phone. Kendall placed the phone to his ear and listened as the phone rang.

"_Hey you reached Kenneth Knight. Sorry I can't come to phone right now, but leave a message with your name and number, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible." _

Kendall ended the call and called again. The blonde ran his fingers through his hair as tears continue to stream his face. Once again, Kendall got his father's answering machine. "Kendall." Mrs. Knight called out from the couch, attempting to stop her son who was again had the phone pressed to his ear. "Kendall, he's not going to pick up."

"He's not dead!" Kendall roared, ending the call and dialing again. "My father isn't dead. He's going to pick up this time." The phone was back at Kendall's ear, and after a few rings, Kendall heard his father's voice.

"Dad, its Kendall. Pick up the phone." Kendall pleaded. "Dad pick up!"

Kendall ended the call and once again began dialing the number. Mrs. Knight got up off the couch and went to her crying son, was shouting into the phone. "Dad, why won't you pick up? Dad, come on! Don't do this to me!"

"Kendall, give me the phone." Mrs. Knight said, holding her hand out. Kendall shook his head, redialing his father's number. "Kendall, he's not going to pick up."

"Yes he will!" Kendall shouted. "Dad, stop joking around with me. Pick up the phone right now and stop doing this! Dad….come on Dad pick up your phone already! Dad!"

The call ended and Kendall's desperate fingers were already going over the numbers again. "Kendall, your father is gone. Give me the phone!" Mrs. Knight begged, fresh tears falling out of her eyes. "He's going to pick up!" Kendall shouted, listening to the rings of the phone. Mrs. Knight placed her hands on the phone, trying to rip it from Kendall's hands. "No, he's going to pick up!" Kendall screamed, struggling to keep the phone with him. But then the phone dropped from his hands, crashing against the tiled floor of the kitchen. Kendall went to retrieve the still ringing phone, but Mrs. Knight grabbed Kendall's wrists.

"Kendall, he's gone." Mrs. Knight said.

Kendall opened his mouth to speak, but just collapsed forward into mother. "Why?" Kendall cried. "Why is everything bad happening now?"

"I wish I knew sweetheart." Mrs. Knight replied. "I really wish I knew."

Thoughts ran through Kendall's head. How he would have to talk to Katie about the fact they were now fatherless. How he would have to go back to Minnesota and see his now widowed stepmother and his little Lea, who was no fatherless like him. How he was going to have to say goodbye to his father and watch the coffin containing his cold, lifeless body would be lowered into the ground.

How amazing it would be just to feel no more pain.


	7. Chapter 7

**Waiting On 'Superman'**

**What would you guys think of my next story being an angsty Kendall/OC story? I have this really good story idea in my head, but I want to know if you readers/reviewers would actually read one if I did it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with any original characters.**

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"_You see my problem is this, I'm dreaming away, wishing that heroes they truly exist." _~Britney Spears, Oops…I Did It Again**

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**Chapter Seven**

_**Father To Be Laid To Rest Today**_

Kenneth Knight, age 43, was described by many as a typical American man. But to the family and friends he leaves behind, he is so such man. Kenneth was a loving, caring man who was a devoted father. Kenneth was driving home late at night last week when his car was struck by Michael Adams, age 24. Police reports show that Adams was heavily intoxicated at the time. Adams has been charged with manslaughter and driving under the influence. He is due to appear in court next week. But today, Kenneth will be laid to rest while the whole town mourns for the same who appeared simple, but was far more.

Kenneth leaves behind his second wife, Alex Knight, and three children, Kendall, age 16, Katie, age 12, and Lea, age 6. All prays are with the family at this time.

* * *

"Kenny?"

Kendall looked down to see his six year old half sister tugging at suit. Lea's brown eyes were wide as she asked, "Why won't Daddy wake up yet?" Kendall just bent down and pulled Lea into a hug, stroking her curly blonde hair. "Daddy isn't waking up Lea." Kendall whispered.

"I want him too." Lea whispered back.

"So do I kid, so do I." Kendall said, blinking back tears. A tap on his shoulder made Kendall let go of Lea. Looking over his shoulder, Kendall saw his mother, dressed all in back, and Kendall knew it was time for the funeral. Mrs. Knight slipped out of the room, while Kendall gathered up Lea into his arms and entered the hallway, where he came face to face with a teary eyed Katie. With Lea still in his arms, he embraced Katie too. The three siblings hugged before opening the doors to the church. Once everybody saw who was in the doorways, an uncomfortable silence fell over them. Kendall set Lea down on the floor, and the three marched bravely to the front of the church. They sat down in the front row, all eyes on them. The stares of the mourners felt like daggers in Kendall's back. He could practically hear their pitiful comments in their heads.

"_Bet you five bucks Kendall collapses under the pressure."_

"_No way Kendall will ever be like his father. He can try, but we all know he is going to fail."_

"_His six year old sister is tougher than him."_

"_How he got to be the leader in his band is beyond my belief. Baby can even hold in tears for more than five seconds."_

The doors to the church opening again snapped Kendall out of his thoughts. He turned around to see his father's coffin getting carried down the aisle by his uncles. His mind flashed back to when Alex walked down that same aisle on her wedding day. Kendall was the one at his stepmother's side, giving the beautiful bride away to his father, as Alex's father had passed away before the wedding. Kendall remembered watching Alex shed tears behind her lace veil as Kendall kissed her on the cheek right before he gave her away. Kendall too was crying at the sight of Alex.

Both were not crying those same tears they are now.

* * *

Everybody was gathered at the Knight residence after the funeral. Kendall found himself faking smiles left and right as he made his way to the kitchen. He wanted nothing more for James, Carlos, and Logan to be at his side, but Griffin only allowed Kendall to go to the funeral, as he did not want the press to catch wind of father's death. The man calmly explained to Kendall that if the press find out about Kenneth's death, Kendall and his family would be hounded by the press, and Griffin reassured Kendall that he wanted nothing more than for Kendall to be able to grieve with the annoyance of the press. Kendall thanked Griffin for his hospitality, but truthfully remained bitter towards the man for tearing him away from his friends, who could help him through this dark time.

"Hey Kendall, I'm really sorry." Someone said as they passed by, giving Kendall on the reassuring pat shoulder. Once they had passed, Kendall reached up into the medicine cabinet and ripped down the bottle of aspirin, and took two as quickly as he could. He swallowed with water and slipped out into the empty backyard. Kendall walked over to the swing set that he used to play on when he was a child, and lowered his body down onto a swing.

"I can't believe this is happening." Katie, who was sitting on the swing next to Kendall's, said. The twelve year old wiped tears off her cheeks. "Why did he have to go?"

"I can't answer that Katie." Kendall said, tugging at his black tie.

"I wish that Michael Adams guy was the one dead." Katie said, kicking dirt angrily with her shoe. "That way his family can be the ones grieving and we don't have to be."

"Trust me Katie, his family is grieving too." Kendall replied. "They basically lost their son too in that crash. Adams has to be in jail the rest of his life for a killing Dad. Adams is going to be suffering for the rest of his life like we are. He gets to rot in a jail cell and think about what he has done to our family because he was stupid enough to drink and drive."

"I just want to find out why this guy kid this too us." Katie said.

"He probably doesn't even remember doing it." Kendall stated. "The newspapers say he was really drunk that night. Adams is going to pay for what he did. Trust me on that one. But we can't do anything to him. He's behind bars, and that's the end of it."

"I thought you were supposed to be on my side!" Katie shouted, standing up. "Don't you want to kill this guy for taking Dad away from us, from Lea, from Alex, from the world? Don't you want revenge on this guy for killing our father?"

"Katie, it's up to the courts now to decide what is going to happen to Adams. This isn't in our hands." Kendall replied, biting his lip to prevent fresh tears from springing up. Katie's words were bitter and harsh, and Kendall knew his little sister meant what she was saying. Every last word.

"You're my hero Kendall." Katie said, her voice almost a whisper. "Why can't you fix this?"

"Dad was my hero Katie." Kendall whispered. "And heroes aren't supposed to die. But Dad is dead, buried in the ground in a box. I can't fix this Katie. He's gone."

""I thought you could fix anything." Katie said. "I guess I was wrong."

"I'm sorry." Kendall reached out to pull his baby sister into a hug, but she jerked away from his outstretched finger tips. "No." Katie whispered, a single tear streaming down her face. "I hate you! I hate you!"

Katie took off towards the house, leaving Kendall sitting alone in the backyard. He dropped his head against his chest, taking deep breathes. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a rope. Kendall could just imagine tying that rope around the top of the swing set and just wrapping it around his neck, no more troubles or problems to deal with…

Kendall smacked himself in the head hard. He couldn't believe he just thought of that. Katie didn't mean what she said. She was just upset over what had happened, and she took it out on Kendall. And Kendall couldn't leave everybody behind. He had to make sure Alex and Lea had enough money and food before he left for Hollywood again. He had to make sure Katie was going to be okay. He had to take care of the band, and so many people depended on him.

Kendall got up and made his way across the grass, he glanced back at the rope, longing to at least feel the nylon between his fingers.


	8. Chapter 8

**Waiting On 'Superman'**

**Sorry about not updating for a few days. And please, take the poll on my profile. It will determine my next story, but that story won't begin till I finish this story. And trust me; this is going to be a long story.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot**

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"_You know, it's a long world."_ ~Lawrence Welk**

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**Chapter Eight**

"Hey Kendall." James said, patting the blonde on the back as Kendall walked into the apartment. Kendall, Mrs. Knight, and Katie had just arrived back at the Palm Woods after Kenneth's funeral a few days ago. "How you feeling?"

"Okay I guess." Kendall shrugged, tossing his suitcase into a corner of his room as he entered. "Where are the rest of the guys?"

"Logan and Camille are down by the pool, and Carlos is helping Stephanie fix her camera…that he broke." James answered.

"Why are you up here then?" Kendall asked as he sat down at his computer desk. He opened up his laptop and a pain twinged through him as he saw it was a picture of him and Jo. Right away, Kendall slammed the laptop shut again, causing James to jump slightly.

"I was waiting for you to get home." James replied. "Kendall…what exactly happened between you and Jo? You never actually told us…"

"She was a mistake, that's all." Kendall said through clenched teeth. "She and Jett are very happy together, and I could care less what those two love birds are up with their stupid teen show that nobody watches!"

James watched as Kendall broke a pencil that he had been holding in his hand in half. "So…is that pencil supposed to Jett or Jo?" Kendall looked up slowly from the broken woods in his hand and at James. "It's me." Kendall choked out. He let the broken wood roll out of his hands and watched as it clattered against the hardwood floor. "The pencil is me." Kendall whispered. He stared at the two pieces on the floor as he spoke. "I feel broken and the pencil is either my heart or just me in general…I don't know up from down anymore James. I hate feeling this weak, feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I hate feeling like I'm in two pieces. I don't like feeling all this things. I wish I couldn't feel it."

"It's going to get better." James said. "You have us by your side, and it's all going to get better. Carlos, Logan, Gustavo, Kelly…we all care about you. Soon, you're going to wake up and feel whole again."

"When?" Kendall asked, looking up at James with wet eyes. "When am I going to wake up and feel like that?"

"I can't answer that." James said. "But I can tell you that nothing can stay bad forever. Google it if you don't believe me."

"Thanks." Kendall mumbled, spinning back towards his computer. James took this as his cue to leave, and Kendall listened as his bed squeaked and James left the room, as his sneakers make their way down the hall. As soon as the television was blasting Sports Center, Kendall reopened his computer and pulled up the internet

But instead of searching what James told him, he searched one word: _suicide_.

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_Despite having long legs, he didn't think he would be able to make it to Carlos's house in time. The wind blowing against his ten year old body felt like someone was trying to hold him back as he raced down the street. There seem to be a heavy chill in the air as it nipped at his bare neck. Finally, he sees the headlights of the Garcia's car, and the family of three getting out. _

"_Carlos!" He screamed as he finally reached the edge of Carlos's driveway. His breathing was heavy and slow, but his mind was rushing faster than the racecars he and his friends liked to watch so much on television after a Minnesota Wild's hockey game. He watched as Carlos turned around and handed a box in his hand to his mother. He was trying to think of how to tell his friend what happened as Carlos jogged to the edge of the driveway. "__What's wrong?" Carlos asked as he joined him at the end of his driveway._

"_It's Kendall." He breathed. "He's seriously hurt."_

"_What happened?" Carlos asked. A tear slid down his cheek, and he didn't answer his friend's question. He couldn't find the words to explain the unspeakable. He felt Carlos's hands on his shoulder, and then his whole body was moving. He swayed as Carlos asked, "James, what happened to Kendall?"_

"_He fell down the stairs of his house." He whispered. "Logan called me and told me there is a lot of blood."_

_Then Carlos was off. He followed behind his speeding friend as they ran to their fallen friend's house. As Carlos skidded to a stop in front of Kendall's house, so did he. Suddenly, he was engulfed in a hug by Logan, and he couldn't breathe. But when Logan let go, he realized he still wasn't breathing. So he took in a deep breathe as the stretcher containing his blood covered friend came out the front door of the house._

_And he stopped breathing again._

_He heard Carlos whisper Kendall's name. Finding his voice, he said, "We have to go with him to the hospital." The three friends took off towards the ambulance, and when they tried to jump in, a medic pushed them back. "Sorry boys, family only." The medic said._

_"__We're Kendall's best friends!" Logan protested. "We're practically his brothers."_

_"__Sorry, but like I said kid, family only." The medic repeated, and slammed the door shut in their faces. The ambulance roared off into the night, he took in a deep breathe again. It didn't make him feel better, breathing. For all he knew, Kendall wasn't breathing either, so why should he? _

James jolted away, falling off the couch in the process. As he laid on his back, he rubbed his face. Down the hall, everything was silent. "Kendall?" James called out. He didn't receive a response.

"_I don't like feeling all this things. I wish I couldn't feel it."_

James scrambled to get off the floor. Once he was, he raced down the hall, feeling like he was ten again and running behind Carlos as they ran to get to Kendall's house that night. The hallway seemed to stretched on forever as James ran down it. At the end of the hall, there was Kendall's room, light trying to escape from the room. James flung open Kendall's door.

"Dude, you seen a ghost or something?"

James let out a sigh at hearing Kendall's voice. "I'm fine." James said. "But dude, are you okay?"

"I'm just hurting a little, that's all." Kendall replied. "I have a lot on my mind."

"Well if you ever want to take a load off, just find me and we can talk." James said, letting out a silent sigh of relief as he leaned against Kendall's doorway. Kendall nodded his head and stood up. "I'm going to take a walk. Maybe some fresh air would do me good."

Kendall slipped out of his room and James watched as his friend disappeared down the hallway. Once he heard the apartment door shut, James went over to Kendall's computer, and pull up his internet history, only to find it empty.

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With his head down and hands in his pockets, Kendall made his way through the Palm Woods lobby. He saw Stephanie and Carlos sitting at a table by the pool, laughing as they held up Stephanie's finished camera. Stephanie leaned over and hugged Carlos, and as Carlos hugged by, Kendall could see the smile on Carlos's face. It wasn't the type of smile when he received a new toy or saw something he likes; it was the type of smile that showed Kendall just how happy Carlos was with Stephanie. A little bit down was Camille and Logan. Both were sitting side by side, reading something in Camille's hands, what Kendall assumed was a script. As Camille read something off the page, Logan looked at Camille, a soft smile on his face. Kendall smiled at his friend's happiness. Suddenly, a tap came at Kendall's shoulder, and he turned around.

"Can we talk?" Jo asked.


	9. Chapter 9

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**Sometimes, I go back and read the reviews you guys leave. Your love and support never fails to put a smile on my face. The support you guys give me helps me carry on with my writing. Thanks. And remember, vote on my poll!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot.**

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"_Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." _~Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy**

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**Chapter Nine**

"Can we talk?"

Kendall opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Once again, he could feel Jo's touch on his arm, and now his shoulder burned from her venomous touch too. When her fingers coiled around his wrist, Kendall couldn't help but jerk away. "Please, I really need to talk to you." Jo pleaded. Kendall sighed and nodded his head, and a soft smile crossed Jo's face. She guided Kendall out of the lobby and out the building, until they were hidden away in a secluded ally.

"I really don't know where to begin…" Jo began, running her fingers through her blonde hair. Kendall let out a scuff, attracting the girl's attention. "How about the fact you cheated on me with Jett." Kendall sneered.

"I guess I could start there." Jo sighed. "I really don't know how the whole relationship began. It wasn't really even a relationship between Jett and I. More like a friends with benefits kind of thing. But I felt bad about it, I really did. I just couldn't stop it. You make me feel protected, loved. Jett just shows me the wild side in life, and I wanted to experience that." Jo let out a sniffle, collapsing against the wall behind her. "I was wrong to want that. Jett, he's nothing like you. I told him yesterday I wanted out. And…he hit me Kendall. Jett smacked me around and all I could think about is how you would never hit me and you would have protected me." Jo fell forward into Kendall's arms, and he just held the girl as she sobbed.

"Where did Jett hit you?" Kendall asked. Jo pulled away, and rolled up the sleeve of her shirt, revealing bruises up and down her arms. She yanked at the collar of her shirt, revealing a deep purple bruise on her collar bone. "It hurts so much." Jo whispered, silent tears rolling down her faces. "I was so scared."

"Has he hit you anymore?" Kendall asked, his voice deep as he examined Jo's arm. Jo shook her head back and forth, and Kendall ran his fingers through his hair. "We have to go to the police." He declared. He spun on his heel to march off towards the police station, but then he feels Jo's wrapped around his wrist. "You can't say anything!" She pleaded. Kendall turned back around, watching as Jo's eyes watered up. "Promise me you won't say anything Kendall!"

"I promise." Kendall whispered through clenched teeth.

"Can you forgive me?" Jo asked, releasing Kendall and pulling down the sleeve of her shirt. "Can you forgive me for being a screw up?"

"I forgive you." Kendall replied. And then the next thing he knew, his and Jo's lips met and they were kissing, the mistakes of the past behind them. And as Kendall's arms snaked around Jo's waist, he couldn't help but feel complete again.

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The next morning, when Kendall woke up, he felt better than he had in a long time. He stretched, and let out a giant yawn. Once he was out of bed, Kendall made his way to the kitchen, rubbing at the back of his head. When he entered the kitchen, Kendall realized the morning routine was going to be a little different today.

James, Carlos, and Logan were all up, sitting at the kitchen table, and none of them looked happy. Kendall's laptop sat in the middle of the table, closed. "Why did you steal my laptop?" Kendall questioned as he joined the others at the table.

"Logan hacked into your internet files for us." James said, opening the laptop. "Want to tell us why in the world you searched suicide?" James slid the laptop towards Kendall, and sure enough, on the screen, was the web results for what Kendall searched the previous day. Kendall's jaw dropped as he looked at the screen before looking up at his angry friends. "I don't know what to say." Kendall said, shutting the laptop.

"You don't know what to say?" James asked slowly. "Tell us why you searched suicide!"

"I don't know why." Kendall replied. A pair of fists slammed down on the laptop, and he watched as James jumped out of his seat, nostrils flaring in angry. "Of course of you know why you searched suicide, because you're this is your laptop and you searched it!" James screamed. Logan placed a hand on James's arm, and the tall brunette slowly lowered himself back into his chair. Carlos looked away, not even wanting to know the answer to James's question. Logan took a deep breathe before speaking. "Kendall, you aren't thinking about…you know." Logan trailed off, biting his lip. "We can help you. Suicide is never the answer. You know that."

"The thought came across my mind one time." Kendall lied, but the looks on his friends faces showed they were buying into his answer. "And that's when I searched it. But I promise you I would have never gone through with it. The thought was merely on my mind, and I searched it. I'm sorry for making you guys think that."

"I told you guys were crazy for thinking this!" Carlos said. "Kendall would never do anything stupid like that. He only does stupid things with us!"

Everybody laughed, and right away the mood in the room lifted. It was a phone call that sent a surge of panic through the room. "Kelly wants me to go to the studio." Kendall said as he hung up the phone. "Just me."

"Maybe Gustavo wants to record solo parts." James suggested. "Have fun. Hopefully you don't get your head eaten off by him."

"Aren't you funny?" Kendall smirked as he disappeared around the corner, ready to see what Gustavo wanted.

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"Kendall." Gustavo greeted as Kendall entered his office. Kendall smiled as he sat down and sat, "Am I not good enough to get called a dog?"

"Kendall, we need to talk about something serious." Gustavo said, spinning his computer towards. Kendall leaned closer, and looked at what was on Gustavo screen. When his mind finally processed what the headline said, he let out a gasp.

**Big Time Rush's Kendall Knight… A Hottie, Sweetheart, and an Abuser?**

_Is Kendall Knight, of Big Time Rush, really the Knight in shining armor we all thought he is? When we all see those beautiful green eyes on television or in the news, we think, 'Wow, he must be such a nice guy.'_

_Jo Taylor knows what really lies behind those green eyes._

_Yesterday, Miss Taylor, of New Town High fame, was spotting sporting several bruises on her arms and her collar bone. When approached where she had gotten the bruises, Miss Taylor broke down and revealed her boyfriend, Kendall Knight, had hit her the day before. It is still unknown whether Miss Taylor will press charges against Mr. Knight, but it's pretty clear to all of America what she should do._

_No word from Kendall Knight yet on the incident, but stay tuned here at CelebCrush for updates on this heartbreaking story._

"It was Jett!" Kendall exclaimed. He jumped out of his chair and pointed at the picture of Jo's bruises. "Jo told me Jett did that to her! Gustavo, you have to believe me. I would never hit Jo!"

"Kendall, I know you would never hurt Jo." Gustavo sighed, removing his glasses. "But the press doesn't know the truth, and trust me, we are going to sort this mess out. But until then, you have to stay out of the spotlight and away from the press. That's why you're suspended from the band till further notice."


	10. Chapter 10

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**Can you believe it? Two updates in week? I'm rather shocked I'm actually updating like this, but I left you all with such a bad cliffhanger that I felt like I had to update. And please vote on my poll, because it's going to determine my next story.**

**I want to address something I haven't with this story so far. Suicide is never the answer for anything. Everybody has something to live for, even when it seems all hope is lost. This story portrays exactly what I mean. Kendall has plenty to live for, even when it seems he has nothing. Suicide is never the answer. Always remember that. Help is out there, along with love.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot.**

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"_When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on_._"_ ~Franklin D. Roosevelt**

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**Chapter Ten**

Kendall didn't even give Gustavo to explain his suspension, if it could even be called that. Anger, no rage, blinded Kendall as he stormed out of Rocque Records. He furiously stormed out of the Palm Woods, shoving people out of his way as he entered the Palm Woods. Scanning the lobby, he saw Jo, standing with her back to him…and with one arm around Jett.

"Jo!" Kendall screamed as he charged over to the ever so happy couple. Right away, Jo turned around, followed by Jett. Upon seeing it Kendall who screamed Jo's name, Jett wrapped a protective arm around Jo, pulling the girl close into his body. When Kendall finally halted in front of the two, Jett smiled smugly at Kendall. Seconds later, Jett was lying on the floor, clutching his now bleeding nose.

"Kendall!" Jo exclaimed, kneeling down to look down at the fallen Jett. "What was that for?"

"You told the press I hit you?" Kendall screamed. "You told me Jett did that! Why, why would you pin me as the abuser, when you're nothing but a dirty, backstabber, cheating ugly two faced lying snob!"

"Kendall, Kendall." Jo sighed, standing up. "Do you realize you dated this dirty, backstabbing, cheating, ugly two faced lying snob for a long time, kissed her, and loved her?"

"Take note that everything was past tense in that sentence." Kendall hissed. "Now tell me right now, why did you tell the press that I hit you?"

"I got bored." Jo shrugged.

"You got bored?" Kendall breathed in deeply. "So you got beat up by Jett, cry to me, then got bored and told the press I beat you? You do understand none of this makes sense, right?"

"Jett never beat me." Jo stated. She reached over to Bitters counter and grabbed a water bottle on it. As she bored the water all over her arm, Kendall watched as the bruises slowly washed away, becoming nothing but color. "I got bored and figure I make up a good story for the press." Jo laughed. She looked up at Kendall and began laughing even harder. "If only you could see your face. Man, this is priceless!"

Kendall wasn't Kendall anymore. He was nothing more than a trapped animal in a cage, trying to claw its way out. And right now, Jo was the cage, and Kendall needed out. That's why he threw his arms out, throwing Jo backwards against the wall. He pinned her against it, burning with rage and sorrow; the two emotions his body still held. "Let go of me Kendall!" Jo cried.

"That's enough!" A voice screamed from behind. Kendall felt someone grab his shoulder and tried to pull him backwards, but Kendall still held a tight grip on the shaking Jo. Soon, he felt three sets of hands on his body, pulling him off Jo. Soon, the hands one and Kendall stumbled backwards. Jo sank to the floor, crying. Nobody rushed forward to aid her, or Jett.

"I hate you." Kendall spat.

"I hope you die." Jo hissed back, cradling her wrist in her other hand. "I never loved you. And nobody ever will. You're a nobody Kendall Knight. You're nothing but a wannabe loser, and will never achieve anything in life. Everybody hates you, and nobody, and I repeat, **nobody**, will ever love you. Because you are **nothing**."

"Let's go Kendall." Carlos said softly. Slowly, Kendall's feet began cooperating with the people moving him. But his mind, oh, how Kendall's mind was gone.

Kendall wasn't Kendall. He was **nothing**.

* * *

As soon as Kendall was in 2J, he ran right to his room slamming the door shut behind him. He pressed his back hard up against the wall, breathing heavily. He had cried himself of all his tears. He had nothing left in body. Kendall had been drained off all emotions. He had no happiness left him in. He had no anger left. He had nothing left.

Because, like Jo had said. He was nothing.

At least, that's what he believed.

He heard voices mumbling outside his hall. He could make out the door to the apartment slowly creaking open and shutting, and then heavy silence filled the outside world. But all Kendall listened to was his breathing.

In. Out.

Was Jo right? Did nobody love him? Right after Jett had arrived at the Palm Woods, he had felt withdraw when he kissed Jo. A few weeks after New Town High started production, he could practically taste regret on Jo's lips. But he had mistaken that for love. Another thing Jo forget to mention. Kendall Knight was foolish, wannabe loser.

In. Out.

Love. It was the nagging question on the back of Kendall's mind. Did anybody love him? Katie was never home anymore, probably because she hated him. She even said so herself. His mother wasn't even home anymore. She said it was because she was looking for a job, but was it because his mother hated him like his little sister did? Alex and Lea rarely called him to give him a hello anymore. James, Carlos, and Logan were too busy with their personal lives to care about his. Did anybody love him? Maybe his father hadn't died in a car crash. Maybe he had died on purpose to get away from Kendall.

In. Out.

Kendall was done.

He was done breathing. He has done feeling empty. He was done living. Slowly, he inches over to his desk draw, and pulls out what he needs to leave the world.

Kendall was done.


	11. Chapter 11

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Waiting on 'Superman'

**Yes, two updates in one day. I'm on a roll. I couldn't bear to leave you all with that cliffhanger. Like right after I posted that chapter, I started writing this one. This chapter is the longest yet, and I love it. I hope you all do too.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot.**

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"_Here I am, feels like the walls are closing in, once again it's time to face it and be strong, I wanna do the right thing now, I know it's up to me some how, I've lost my way." _~Demi Lovato, It's Not Too Late**

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**Chapter Eleven**

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Kendall scrunched his eyes, trying to ignore the beeping noise in his ears. When it's clear it's not going away, he let out a soft groan. Eyes fluttering open, Kendall found himself staring up at bright lights. Squinting, he lets out another groan and rolled his head to the side.

"Kenny?"

Looking forward again, Kendall sees Katie standing at the foot of whatever he was lying on, red eye beyond belief. "Hey." Kendall croaked out, his voice scratchy and rough. "Why you crying?"

This caused Katie to break down in more tears. She spun around, flinging her tiny body into the bigger body behind her, which Kendall saw was James. James too, was red-eyed. Scanning the room, Kendall saw Logan sitting upright in a chair, gripping the armrests like it was the last thing he would ever touch. Eyes flickering over to the other side of the room, Kendall saw Carlos standing in a corner, red-eyed and a small smile on his face. Next to him, Kendall heard a sniffle. Glancing over, Kendall saw his mother, who was had tears streaming down her face. "Why is everybody crying?" Kendall asked. "Why does my voice sound like this? It sounds like someone is scratching on a vinyl record." His joke doesn't put a big, goofy smile on everybody's faces or send joyful laughter throughout the room. It does nothing.

"What's wrong guys?" Kendall asked. He tried to side upright, but found a tube wrapped below his nose kept him grounded in place. "Can someone take this off my face? I feel like a snake trying to strangle me to death."

The word 'death', sent a panicked ripple throughout the room. A sob came from Katie, Logan gripped the armrest tighter, a tear slid down James's cheek, and Carlos pressed his back harder into the corner. Mrs. Knight remained silent as she gripped her son's fragile hand, never wanting to let go. Silence fell over the room, and it became agonizing.

"So, who wants to be the one to address the elephant in the room?" Carlos said, slowly coming out of his corner. Everybody but Kendall gave Carlos a pitiful, angry look, while Kendall gave a confused look. "Someone tell me what's going on." Kendall demanded. Mrs. Knight let out a shaky breathe, and Kendall slowly turned to look at her.

"Kendall, do you remember yesterday?" Mrs. Knight asked slowly. Kendall shook his head. "Well Kendall, yesterday you had a fight with Jo. You punched Jett and shoved Jo into a wall. James, Carlos, and Logan were able to get you off her before anybody else got hurt, and they took you upstairs. They decided to give you some alone time. During the few minutes after they left and I have came home…do you remember what you did Kendall?"

"Mom, what happened?" Kendall whispered. A tear slid down Mrs. Knight's cheek as she found the courage to carry on. "Well Kendall, I came home only a few minutes after James, Carlos, and Logan left. When I entered the apartment, I heard some kind of choking noise. Then it stopped. I wandered down the hall and saw your door was the only door closed. When I opened the door Kendall…Kendall, you tried to kill yourself."

It all comes slamming down on Kendall. He remembered feeling Jett's nose crunch under his fist. He remembered how good it felt to squeeze Jo's wrists in his hands. He remembered watching her cry and plead with him. He remembered the anger he felt for her lies, and how he got her suspended from the band. He remembered going into his room and just feeling empty. And he remembered whispering goodbye before he felt the oxygen get sucked out of his body.

"Oh my god!" Kendall cried out. His hands flew up to his head, and he gripped his air. "Dear god, forgive me! I'm sorry! Forgive me, please forgive me! Oh my god! Please, forgive me! Forgive me!" Kendall continued to scream, and he didn't even hear the rushing footsteps of doctors running into the room. But he did feel the prick of a needle in his arm.

Darkness was the last thing he remembered.

_

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_Logan Mitchell sat in his bedroom, reading out of his science text book. His ten year old legs were too tiny to reach the floor, so he swung them back and forth happily as he read about polar bears. He was midsentence when a loud crash and several cries erupted from next door, in his best friend's house, Kendall Knight. Logan spun around, and as he heard more screams, he shot out of his chair. His legs carried him down the stares as he heard sirens begin to roar in the distance. "Mom!" Logan screamed. Right away, a panicked Linda Mitchell appeared in the kitchen door. "Did you hear that?" Logan asked. Mrs. Mitchell nodded her head as Logan breathed out, "It came from Kendall's house."_

_Logan was out the door before Mrs. Mitchell had a chance to set down the dish rag she had been holding, Logan was already out the front door. Logan was caught by his father Jonathan Mitchell, who was about to enter the house, just having arrived home from work. "Slow down there speed racer." Jonathan joked as he looked down at his son, his glasses giving off a slight gleam under the porch light. "Where is the fire?"_

"_Someone is hurt at Kendall's house." Logan said, pointing to the speeding ambulance that was coming down the street. Neighbors slowly started shuffling out of their houses as emergency responders jumped out of the vehicle. Just as a mumbling crowd began to form, medics were quickly bringing a stretcher out of the ambulance. Jonathan guided Logan to the front of the crowd. Medics entered the house, and Kendall father exited the house. Even in the dark, Logan could see kind of dark substance splattered on his shirt. Blood._

"_Kenneth!" Jonathan called out, waving his hand around. Right away, the frantic father rushed over to his neighbor. The two men engaged in a tight hug. "Kenneth, what happened?" Jonathan asked. _

"_Kendall…I don't know." Kenneth answer, his voice wavering. "Alex, Charlene and I were downstairs in the kitchen and Katie was playing with Lea in the living room. Kendall was upstairs getting something and the next thing I knew there was this loud crash and my son was at the bottom of the stairs, covered in blood. My son…" Kenneth let out some kind of cry, collapsing into Mr. Mitchell. Logan looked up at the crying father with wide eyes before he had taken off. Just as his mother was leaving the house, Logan was entering. He flung himself at the nearest phone, his shaking fingers quickly pressing in James's house number. Placing the phone to his ear, Logan waited for someone to pick up._

"_James!" Logan nearly shouted. On the other end, James didn't even get a chance to respond, as words were already flying out of Logan's mouth. "Kendall flew down the stairs of his house. There's a lot of blood. Get Carlos and get over here now. Kendall needs us."_

_Logan ended the call and dropped the phone, not even putting it back on the receiver. He was already out of the front door, racing to his parents. He was greeting by a comforting hug from his mother. With wide eyes, Logan waited for any sign of Kendall, James, or Carlos. Tearing his eyes away from the Knight house, Logan looked down the street to see two small figures approaching. Under a streetlight, Logan saw Carlos stop, followed by James. Logan ran away from his parents and embraced both Carlos and Logan in a tight hug. __"Kendall." Logan heard Carlos whisper as he watched a blood covered Kendall come out of his house, lying silently on a stretcher._

"_We have to go with him to the hospital." James declared. The three friends took off towards the ambulance, and when they tried to jump in, a medic pushed them back. "Sorry boys, family only." The medic said._

"_We're Kendall's best friends!" Logan protested. "We're practically his brothers."_

"_Sorry, but like I said kid, family only." The medic repeated, and slammed the door shut in their faces. Logan just stood and watched as the engine roared to life and then zoomed away, leaving the three friends in its wake._

* * *

"Logan?" Kendall whispered, noticing a figure at the end of his bed that looked a lot like Logan. His vision was spinning and slightly clouded, while his head was pounding. "Logan, is that you?"

"It's me." Logan replied, pulling his chair closer to Kendall's bed. "How you feeling?"

"Like I was sedated." Kendall groaned, rolling his head to look at Logan. Glancing at the glass window behind Logan's head, Kendall noticed two police officers standing outside the door. Nodding, he asked, "What's up with them?"

"They're here for two reasons. One is so no crazed fans who see you in here come in and try to attack you. Secondly, there on, well, they are on suicide watch." Logan explained, staring at the two cops outside the window. Sighing, Logan turned back towards Kendall. "You put on quite a show before." Logan said.

"How long was I out for?" Kendall asked.

"Only a few hours." Logan answered. "You woke up around noon, and it's around ten at night now. I was able to convince your mom to go home and get some sleep. She hasn't slept since she found you yesterday." Logan's voice cracked on the last word. Kendall scanned Logan's face, and he could clearly see his raven haired friend was sleep deprived. Dark circles were under his normally bright brown eyes, which now look dull and tired. His face was paler than usually, but someone Logan still managed to keep a soft smile on his face. Kendall tore his gaze away from Logan, and right away the smile on Logan's face vanished. Kendall let out a long sigh.

"I really screwed up, didn't I?" Kendall whispered.

"No you didn't." Logan said, attempting to reassure his friend. "You were under so much pressure and you just collapsed. We all do at times. With your father's death, the press, and…you know who."

"You don't need to refer to Jo like she is Lord Voldermort Logan." Kendall replied, Jo's name feeling like acid on his tongue. "She is still a human being."

"Yes, the human being who drove you to this point!" Logan exclaimed, causing the cops outside the room to peek inside. Lowering his voice, Logan continued to speak. "Jo faked bruises and told the press you beat her. Countless celebrity reporters said you should have been arrested for it! You didn't do anything wrong. It was Jo."

"Well Jo didn't tie a rope around my neck and tried to kill me, now did she?" Kendall questioned harshly. "I didn't have to go to these extreme measures. Katie can't look at me without crying. James won't keep eye contact with me and Carlos is hiding in corners. My own mother can't even stand to look at me. I'm surprised your even here."

"I volunteered to take first shift." Logan said, letting out a soft sigh. Kendall's eyes quickly shot back to him as he snapped, "Oh, so are you on my suicide watch too?"

"Kendall." Logan said, leaning forward in his chair. His voice was soft as he started to whisper reassuring words to broken friend. "You are the victim here. I'm not the victim, and neither is Katie, or James, or Carlos, or anybody. You are the victim. You're the one with the shattered heart. You're the one who has the bruises around his neck, and an oxygen tube wrapped around his face. You're the one who feels like the world has nothing worth living for. You're the one we are going to fix."

"You make it sound like I'm a jig-saw puzzle." Kendall sighed, shifting his stare back the ceiling.

"You're a jig-saw puzzle, with a missing piece." Logan said. "And I promise you Kendall, we will search till the end of the world till we find that piece."


	12. Chapter 12

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**Sorry for making you all wait so long for an update! I started typing up my next story (which I think you all will love, it's got some serious angst). But last time I updated, I updated twice in one day, so that makes up for it.**

**On another note, I have disabled anonymous reviews. Six authors here on fanfiction were recently attacked by a horrible reviewer, and for now I feel it is best for anonymous reviews to be off till this I can forget about the incident. Sorry to all who don't have an account and liked to review. Maybe one day I will enable them again, but not any time soon.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot.**

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"_You with the sad eyes... Don't be discouraged, oh I realize it's hard to take courage in a world full of people you can lose sight of it all and darkness still inside you makes you feel so small."_ ~ Cyndi Lauper, True Colors**

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**Chapter Twelve**

"I can't go in there." Katie declared. The twelve year old and James were standing outside the large glass window that provided a view. "What if he has a breakdown like yesterday James? I can't face Kendall."

"He's your brother Katie." James replied. "Logan told me that the two of them of were up all last night talking. Kendall really needs us right now Katie. He may not be admitting it, but we need to be strong for him, okay?"

"The last thing I said to him to him before he did this was that I hate him." Katie whispered. She looked up at James, who was staring straight ahead at Kendall, whose head was turned and talking to Carlos. Carlos's eyes flashed to James, and the two boys nodded their heads slightly, signaling to Carlos that Katie would be coming in. "What if Kendall hates me James? I can't go in there."

"If you don't go in there, Kendall is going to think you do hate him if you don't go in there and straighten things out." James said, looking down at Katie. "Kendall needs all the love and support he can get, and he needs to know his little sister loves him."

Katie didn't respond. She just took a deep breathe and pushed open the door to Kendall's room. Right away, Kendall's head turned towards the door, and when he saw Katie standing in the doorway, his face broke out into a smile. Carlos got up quickly and slipped out of the room, giving Katie a quick pat on the shoulder as he exited the room. With another deep breathe, Katie took the previously occupied seat next to Kendall's bed.

"Hey." Katie greeted with a small wave. She looked down at her shoes, feeling uncomfortable. Her hands were folded in her lap, and bouncing up and down with her shaky legs. It was only when Kendall reached out and placed his larger hands over hers that the young girl felt okay again. She looked up at her older brother, who had a soft smile on his face. "I know you don't hate me." Kendall said softly.

"So you know I'm really sorry about saying that I hate you?" Katie asked quickly. Kendall nodded his head, and Katie let out a sigh of relief. "I'm really sorry I said all that Kendall. I just really miss Dad and we had just buried him…"

"Don't say anymore." Kendall interrupted. "I don't want to remember the funeral. We can just remember all the fun times we had with him. I heard Lea and Alex are on a plane right now coming to visit me."

"Everybody in the family is worried about you." Katie said. "Lea doesn't really understand what is happening, just that you are hurt. Alex has called five times a day for the past three days since the 'incident'." Kendall couldn't help but wince at the word 'incident.' Nobody would actually refer to what he actually did. They were all acting like he had just had surgery, and was recovering from it. But it was so much more. And the blonde didn't understand why nobody would just say what he had done to himself.

The wince went unnoticed by Katie, who was continuing to rattle off family members. "Aunt Tia couldn't believe it. She had just lost her brother and she couldn't believe that she almost lost her nephew too. Grandma and Grandpa are heartbroken over it. Grandpa told that Grandma cries almost all day. And Mom is just destroyed. She is just like in this daze. Nobody can get through to her."

"And what about you?" Kendall asked. "How exactly are you feeling over this?"

"Scared." Katie answered. "I'm so scared. The day it happened, James picked me up from my friend's house and just told me to get in the car. He was so tight in the car. Just staring straight ahead, not talking. When we pulled into the parking lot, he finally told me. The only thing I could think about is that you died thinking I hated you."

"Well I'm here now." Kendall reassured. "I'm not going anywhere."

"So you won't do anything like this again?" Katie asked. "You promise you won't end up stuck in a dingy hospital like this, with security guards watching your every move and everybody wondering if you're going to run off and try to kill yourself again?"

"Well when you put it that way, yes." Kendall smiled. "I promise you that I will never, ever, try another stupid like this again."

Now Katie was smiling. She leaned back in her a chair, and the Katie Kendall knew and loved was shining through. "Now let me tell you about this prank I pulled on Bitters the other day…"

Everything was falling back into place.

* * *

Everything was falling out of place.

"I don't need a shrink!" Kendall exclaimed. "I'm not crazy. I just need to go home and get some rest, that's all. I don't need some stranger picking apart my brain like I'm some kind of new toy!"

"With the circumstances Mr. Knight, before you can return to work, you must be cleared by a doctor." Dr. Collins, the doctor in charge of Kendall, said. The old, plump man rang his fingers through his thinning gray hair. "I cannot be that doctor, as I do not have a degree in the psychology field. I reassure you that Dr. Klavan is the best we can give you. He has cured many patients…"

"Cured?" Kendall snapped. "Of what? Their craziness? Like I said, I don't need a shrink because I'm not crazy and don't need to be cured of anything. I just need to go home and rest."

"Cured wasn't the right word to use." Dr. Collins said. "Dr. Klavan has helped many mentally unstable patients _and_ stable ones move on from their emotional problems. And starting in two days, you will be one of his patients."

"So what, I go home tomorrow, enjoy my freedom for the few slim hours I get, then get shipped off to this wannabe Dr. Phil's house and get to live out my own personal version of the Ludovico technique from A Clockwork Orange?"

"You act like I'm sending you off to your death." Dr. Collins said between small chuckles. "Dr. Klavan is an award winning therapist and psychologist, and is pleased to have you as a patient. Tomorrow, after we release you, you will go home and rest up a bit, then at two the next day, you go to Dr. Klavan's office, which is only a few blocks away from where you live. You have sessions with him Wednesdays, Saturdays, and Mondays every day from two to three, starting on Wednesday. I reassure you we are passing you off into good hands Kendall."

Dr. Collins left the room, and the second the door was shut, Kendall let out a giant groan and sunk back into the scratchy white cotton sheets of the bed he had been laying on for the past three days. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't wait to go home tomorrow and lay in a real bed. He was not looking forward his examination sessions with Dr. Whatever. He wanted nothing more than to things to go back to normal.

But it was too late. Kendall had brought this about himself, and now, there was no turning back.

And he would just have to deal with it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**I have nothing really to say, just that my new story getting pack with angst. I love writing it. But enough about that story, because it isn't coming for a while. But this story…well we are going to have some serious angst ahead.**

**I really didn't want to put an OC in this story, but there is just no way Kendall is going to be able to solve his issues just by talking to his friends and family. Keep in mind that Mrs. Knight is a complete disaster, and Katie is only so young. In my original plan for this story, Kendall was going to talk to his father about his problems, but then I ultimately decided that a better build up would be Mr. Knight dying. Kendall needs a strong voice in his life, and right now, his voice isn't exactly working right, if you get my drift.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan. **

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"_And the pity of it is that these things cannot be confined to the Twilight Zone." _~Rod Serling

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**Chapter Thirteen**

On Wednesday, with a groan, Kendall pushed open the glass doors to Dr. Ryan Klavan's office, dreading the hour of torture that awaited him. Upon entering, he saw the atmosphere was just like he expected it to be. The walls painted a pale blue, and calming pictures of sailboats hanging on the walls. Several waiting chairs lined the small space, and at the back of the office, seated at a desk in front of a wooden door, was a young brunette woman who was typing quickly on her computer. Her eyes flickered up to Kendall, and she motioned for the boy to come closer. Kendall obeyed, and the woman flashed a sweet smile at Kendall. "Name sweetheart?" The woman asked. Kendall said told her his name, and as she phoned in a number on the phone with her perfectly manicured nails, he saw the brunette's name was Rosie, evident by the name tag that hung loosely on her shirt. "Kendall Knight is here for his two o'clock appointment." Rosie said into the phone. She hung up, and looked back at Kendall. "Just go right through the door." Rosie said with a slight nod of her head. Kendall just nodded and went through the doors as the typing of keys picked up again.

Dr. Klavan's personal office space was different from the waiting room. The walls were splashed in a dark beige, but no awards, doctor degrees, or PhDs were hung up on the walls. Rather, in picture frames were what appeared to be children's drawings, and they were hung in a perfectly line along the wall eastern wall. Up against the western wall was a reddish brown leather couch, and in front of the couch was a coffee table that held nothing on it. Dr. Klavan himself sat behind a large Mahogany desk, which was seated a few feet away from the coffee table. Kendall slowly shut the door, and took a seat awkwardly on the couch. His legs were jittery as he sat, waiting for Dr. Klavan to say something. But the doctor said nothing. He just sat behind his desk, flipping through papers on his desk, writing an occasional note here and there.

Dr. Klavan was tall and seemed on the lanky side, and way too young to be an award winning therapist. He had short messy, dark brown hair that seemed to be sticking up in several places on the back of his head. His gold circular classes were on the edge of his nose, threatening to fall off. Dr. Klavan tugged at his red tie that resting against his black shirt, but still, the man said nothing. And Kendall couldn't take it anymore.

"So are we just going to sit here, or we actually going to discuss my problems and do something?" Kendall said in a slow, questioning voice. "Because I can't go back to work till you clear me, and the only way you can clear me is if we actually talk…"

"Do you think you are on Oprah or one of those stupid daytime talk shows Kendall?" Dr. Klavan questioned, his eyes never leaving the work on his desk. "It won't be that simple. It could be months before you can return to your work. It all depends on when I feel you are ready to handle the pressures of your job again."

"My job doesn't add stress to my day." Kendall said. "I love going to work. Its like the best part of my day."

"According to your file Kendall, you work eight hours a day for Gustavo Rocque. Are the other sixteen hours miserable and dreadful for you then?" Dr. Klavan finally looked up from his papers, shutting whatever he had on his desk. "Because if only eight out of twenty four hours are pleasant for you, it makes sense why you tried to kill yourself then. You did it because you were bored with your life."

"You don't know me!" Kendall snapped. "All you know is my name and where I work. Do you know the names of my sisters, or my friends? No, you don't. So shut your mouth doc, cause if you are going to make snap judgments like that, then you really shouldn't get paid what my mother is paying you."

"And that Kendall, is what I was waiting to hear from you." Dr. Klavan stood up from his desk and walked over towards a large filing cabinet in the corner of the room. He flung open one of the silver metal drawers, and his fingers quickly moved along the tops of manila folders till he found the one he was searching for. He tossed it at Kendall, almost like Frisbee. The blonde caught it before the contents of it went scattering, and he opened the file and began to read. Dr. Klavan, as he moved to another filing cabinet on the opposite end of the room, read the words that Kendall was reading himself.

"Kendall Knight, age sixteen. Your mother and father got divorced when you were eight, and when you were ten, your father got remarried to a woman by the name of Alex Ackles, and that same year they had a baby girl named Lea. Now I know this isn't in that file, but that same year when you were ten, you threw yourself down a flight of stairs. You passed it off as an accident, but you were feeling pretty down about yourself that year weren't you? Not being asked to be in your father's second wedding was tough on you, wasn't it? And your mother blaming you for the divorce for two years must be hard on any kid so young. So you threw yourself down a flight of stairs, hoping to get rid of the guilt you had been feeling for two years. Guilt you didn't even understand. But instead, all you ended up with was a two day stay in the hospital and a throbbing head that was being held together with stitches."

Kendall was speechless. His mouth was hanging open, and the folder had flipped from his hands and onto the floor. Dr. Klavan flung open the other filing cabinet, and reached it, pulling out several framed pictures. "I don't have two PhDs and a degree in advanced psychology for a reason, now do I?" Dr. Klavan said as he placed his accomplishments back down in the draw. He retook his seat and leaned back in it as Kendall recomposed himself. "Why do you hide those?" Kendall asked, nodding to the filing cabinet that was recently closed. "Why keep those hidden in a draw?"

"I find it's better to connect with a patient if they view you as an equal to you. If you walk in here and saw me sitting behind this desk, and all those awards and degrees behind me, what would you think of me then?" Dr. Klavan raised an eyebrow at Kendall, and the blonde knew he was beaten. "That is what I thought. Now I can see you are going to be a difficult patient to deal with. You're a leader, but in this office, you feel like you are going to have to be a follower. Remember we are equals Kendall. Since you are classified as a leader, characteristics that often come with a dominant personality like yours is being strong, level headed, and stubborn." Dr. Klavan leaned forward in his chair, his folded hands resting against his desk. "Being stubborn in here won't get you very far Kendall. Rather, it's going to prompt me to have you come in here for two hour sessions every day, instead of one hour sessions three times a week. I can see in your facial expressions you just want these sessions over with as quickly as you can get them over with. For that to happen, you need to cooperate with me."

"Yes sir!" Kendall gave a mock salute at the man, and then leaned back into the couch, a rather cocky smirk on his face.

"My father was a military man Kendall, and you didn't even salute right, so that just makes you look like a bigger idiot then you are already coming across." Dr. Klavan said, a cocky smirk forming out of lips this time.

"We aren't going to get along that well, are we?" Kendall questioned, raising an eyebrow as he crossed his arms across his chest. "Because in the twenty minutes I have been in here, the thought of strangling you has entered my mind at least a dozen times."

"I have to say I think we are going to get along very well." Dr. Klavan said. "One of your flaws is you need to unclog your ears and listen to someone else before jumping to conclusions."

"If I want to get back to work, I have to listen to you, don't I?" Kendall groaned. "I really don't want to do that. If I have to listen to anybody, I prefer it to be the pretty girl out front."

"That pretty girl is my niece, and you are going to listen to me in here. My office, my rules." Dr. Klavan replied. "Consider me your sergeant and you are the solider. Maybe you will listen better that way."

Kendall just rolled his eyes. "Get out." Dr. Klavan ordered, opening paperwork on his desk again. Kendall's eyes widened slightly, and he sat forward on the couch. When he made no sign of leaving, Dr. Klavan's eyes shot up, and he repeated, "Get out."

"We still have a half and hour left." Kendall pointed out. "Are you allowed to end sessions early?"

"I can when the ignorant, stubborn boy sitting on my couch isn't my patient." Dr. Klavan answered. "I'm dropping you as a patient. You aren't worth my time and patience Kendall, so get find yourself someone else who can help you. If you aren't going to listen to me, I'm not going to waste my breathe speaking to a brick wall. I tried to help you, and I hope you enjoy your life that is going to go nowhere with all the problems you have weighing you down like anchors. You have tried to kill yourself twice Kendall, and you are only sixteen. You need help, and I am willing to give it to you. If not, have fun killing yourself next time. Maybe you will finally achieve something in your life, because so far it looks like you can't do something as simple as typing a rope around your neck right. Like I said, get out and have fun drowning in your sorrows. And when I hear about your death is the news, I certainly know I want be losing any sleep over it. So get the hell out of my office."

Kendall remained silent for a few minutes as Dr. Klavan's pen furiously moved across paper, making scratching noises every time he began a new sentence. "Where do we begin?" Kendall asked in a small voice. Dr. Klavan stopped his work again and looked up at Kendall. It was then Ryan Klavan saw the real Kendall Knight. He saw the scared, ten year old boy who was confused by what was happening to him. He saw who Kendall Knight really was; a scared child who needed some type of superman to save him from his death.

Ryan Klavan wasn't sure he could be that hero; but he certainly could try.

"We start from the beginning." Dr. Klavan answered. "We start when you were a small child, and move up through there. We are going to find the real Kendall."


	14. Chapter 14

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**I must apologize for long delays between chapters. I am currently laptop-less, as it broke, and therefore have been cut off from my main writing source. I have been working hard to get around that so I may post this, and it was very hard for me to find a place to write. So until my laptop is fixed, posts will be coming in longer time spans, and I am very sorry to say that. Also, in this chapter, I must give credit where credit is due. In ****UnderworldChick-n-VMKPirate**** story, 'Black Leather Jacket' (which is such a very cute OC story), the character of the story, Vivian, tells Logan he looks like Clark Kent. In this chapter, Kendall refers to Logan being like Clark Kent too. Thanks Underworld for the joke : )**

**On another note, I strongly encourage you all to go read **_**Glitter in the Hallway **_**by ashleyjordan. She is an amazing author who deserves so many more reviews than she is receiving, and **_**Glitter in the Hallway**_** has stunned me beyond belief. It is so promising, and please go read and review it. I promise you won't be disappointed.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan.**

* * *

"_I wish that I could cry. Fall upon my knees. Find a way to lie 'bout a home I'll never see. It may sound absurd, but don't be naive. Even heroes have the right to bleed." _Five For Fighting, Superman (It's Not Easy)

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen**

Saturday afternoon, instead of sitting under the warm, stunning rays of the sun by the shimmering Palm Woods pool, Kendall was sitting on reddish brown couch in Dr. Klavan's office, more relaxed than he was last time. On Wednesday, at his first session, the teen had gotten some information about Dr. Klavan, which made him connect more with the young doctor, who was only thirty two, and already two PhDs and a degree in psychology, and was working towards his third PhD. The doctor had a wife and five year old daughter, but didn't open up much about his personal life. On a small level, Kendall felt he was a ready to open up to Dr. Klavan.

"On Wednesday you said I only know your name and where you work," Dr. Klavan said from behind his desk, "Let's begin our session with me getting to know you."

"Where do you want me to begin?" Kendall asked.

"Wherever you think should start." Dr. Klavan instructed with a slight wave of his hand. "You begin wherever you are comfortable with."

"Uh, well, I'm sixteen." Kendall cleared his throat. "I have two sisters, Katie and Lea. Lea is my half sister, from my father's second marriage, and this little ball of sunshine. Sometimes I wish she would never grow up, because is just a never ending rocket of fun. Katie is my full blood sister, and she is eleven. She is the best sister anybody could ask for. Sure, we fight at times, but at the end of the day, she has my back and I have hers. My mom is a stunning woman. But right now, she is wreck. She barely looks me in the eye anymore. I think-"

Kendall was cut off mid-sentence by Dr. Klavan waving his hands around. "I don't care about how your mother is feeling right now." The elder of the two said. "I want to know about your family and friends, not how they are feeling. Time for a quick life lesson here Kendall. When someone asks you a question, think before you speak. Stay on course with the question; don't get off track. Answer the direct question, not other questions your own mind is forming from the initial question. Now continue on. Tell me about your friends. What are they like?"

"My friends are crazy." Kendall smiled to himself at the thought of his three best friends, who were waiting patiently for him back at the Palm Woods. "We are all polar opposites of each other, and it makes no sense how we all get along with each other so easily. James is our pretty boy. He can be conceited and he sometimes can over the top with his looks, but his heart is in the right place. Carlos could be professional comedian, and he doesn't even know it. He is beyond funny, and sometimes the crazy stunts he does can give any onlooker a heart attack, but he has a strong head on his shoulders. Logan rounds out our group as the brains. Sometimes he can be a downer, but its smarts that keep us all from getting hurt. He is almost like Clark Kent. He somehow always manages to save the day with that his big brain of his. The four of us never fight. We all fit together like one, jumbled up puzzle, but I guess it's just how life works. They say you can pick your friends, but with James, Carlos, Logan, and I, it is almost like someone out us here on Earth just so we could be friends."

"You seem to have a good home life." Dr. Klavan noted. His pen quickly flew across the paper resting on his desk. When he is done writing, he clicked his pen shut, and his brown eyes moved to met Kendall's green ones. "Which is why I find it odd that you would go and try to kill yourself."

Kendall was taken back Dr. Klavan's comment. "What is that supposed to mean?" Kendall snapped. And right away. Dr. Klavan watched Kendall's defense shield fly up, and by the look in Kendall's eyes, the blonde doesn't even know it. It is the reaction the doctor was looking for, and it wasn't hard to find it.

"What is means is that it sounds like you have a wonderful mother, a great sister, and friends who would give the shirts off their backs to save you, and then you went and tried to hang yourself." Dr. Klavan stated. "Why would you go and do something this drastic? If your friends and family and this supportive towards you, then why wouldn't you go and talk to them about your troubles? My next question is Kendall, what the heck happened between Wednesday and today that makes me think you are lying to me about one of your friends?"

_

* * *

_

_It was Friday, and Kendall was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. His door is closed, but that doesn't prevent the hushed voices of Carlos and Logan from reaching his ears. Something crashed outside the room, and James's yelling snaked its way under the open space under the door, stinging in Kendall's ears. And he can't take it. So Kendall threw his large body off his bed, and flung open his door, regretting it right away._

"_Kendall!" Carlos shouted from the top of the swirly slide. In Kendall's eyes, it seemed like Carlos had taken cover up there from the battle field below. Carlo's frantic movements are clear by the sounds his body makes as it rushed down the slide. Moments after he began his descent downwards, Carlos reemerged at the bottom. He quickly scampered over to Kendall, his brown eyes wide as he grabbed Kendall's arm. "I want Fruit Smackers. Come get some with me!" Carlos practically begged. He tried to budge Kendall from his spot in the doorway, but the blonde wasn't moving. His vision was focused on James and Logan. James's face was bright red, his breathing heavy. Logan was sprawled across the floor, and Kendall watched with slow movements as a sore Logan pushed himself off the floor. And then he saw the blood dribbling down Logan's forehead, and how red James's knuckles were._

"_You did that?" Kendall questioned. James's fiery eyes flashed towards Kendall, and his jaw clenched. "I'm out." The brunette muttered, stalking off towards the front door. Swiftly, Kendall escaped from Carlos's grip, and caught James by the wrist, stopping his friend in his tracks. "What did you do to Logan?" Kendall questioned, anger slowly rising like heating mercury in him. _

"_Let go of me." James demanded. He tried to shake Kendall off him, but the blonde wasn't letting go off his raging friend anytime soon. "Why is Logan bleeding?" Kendall hissed. James just stared hard at the door, not responding. "Tell me why Logan is bleeding from the head!" Kendall shouted. "I know you did something to him!"  
_

"_I fell Kendall." Logan answered from across the room. Kendall, still holding onto James's wrist, looked over his shoulder to see Logan, with wobbly legs, making his way towards the two. "James, Carlos, and I were playing a video game, and things got a little rough. When I stood up, I fell over his leg and into the corner of the coffee table. No damage at all."_

"_Things got rough?" Kendall repeated. "You mean rough like James punching you to the floor? Don't lie to me Logan. You think I didn't hear all the screaming behind my door? I want to know what is going on right now!"_

"_It is all your fault." James's voice is barely audible as he spun around to face Kendall. Kendall released James as he looked into James's bloodshot eyes. "Excuse me?" The blonde asked._

"_This is all your fault." James repeated. "Why did you go and do this to us?"_

"_Do what?" Kendall asked, but the bruising on his neck answered his question silently. _

"_How could you go and try to kill yourself?" James spat, his voice cracking and dripping with unwanted venom. "Do you not see what you have done?"_

"_Are you kidding me?" Kendall shouted. "Are you seriously trying to twist everything Jo did to me, along with my father's death into some sick reason to yell at me? I didn't do anything!"_

"_You did wrap a rope around your neck though." James retorted. "How could you go and do that to us?"_

"_You make it sound like you are the victim here." Kendall shot back. "You aren't the one who has portrayed as an abuser in the media, and has no father!"_

"_Stop acting like you are the only victim here!" James screamed, taking a step away from Kendall. "Because you aren't the only one who was hurt here! Do you not see what you have done to us Kendall? Your own mother can't look you in the eye anymore. Katie never spends anytime here anymore, because she is too afraid to even be near you, out of fear of saying the wrong thing and having to go through the pain we are suffering now again. Logan acts like you are glass, and the tiniest movement will send you shattering to the floor. And there hasn't been a night go by that I haven't listened to Carlos cry himself to sleep. As for myself, I don't even know who you are. Because the Kendall Knight I know would never do something like this to the people he cares about. So don't make it sound like we aren't victims here, because we are hurting just as bad as you are. We just don't have the bruising like you to prove it."_

* * *

"Everybody blames me." Kendall concluded, sinking it the sweet leather of couch he was sitting on. "I just can't figure out whether I was wrong or not. I couldn't handle the pressures that I was facing at the time. Was I wrong to do what I did?"

"I can't answer that Kendall." Dr. Klavan answered. "At this point, some many pieces of your life have been destroyed. Let's say a hurricane blew through your town, and your roof is blown right off. What do you do then?"

"I wait till the storm is over, then go and fix it." Kendall replied.

"The storm is over Kendall." Dr. Klavan said. "Your roof is gone. What do you need to do now?"

"I need to go fix it." Kendall sighed. "I have to go make things right with James."

"Not only that, but you need to make sure that Logan and Carlos understand you won't do anything like this again. You need to remind Katie that you are still her big brother. And you need to show your mother that you are her little boy." A beeping went off, and Dr. Klavan looked at his watch. "I'm sorry, but your time is up. We will pick up on this topic on Monday. See you then." Kendall nodded his head as a form of a goodbye, and got up to leave. When his hand came in contact with the doorknob, Kendall froze.

"There isn't a day that hasn't gone by that I don't regret what I did." Kendall said softly, his free hand slowly feeling the puffing black and blue on his neck. "Carlos cries himself to sleep. I scream myself to sleep. I haven't slept in my own bed in a week. I am plagued with nightmares. I hate myself for doing this."

"I understand." Dr. Klavan replied. Kendall exited the room, and Dr. Klavan listened as the door shut behind the boy. With a soft groan, Dr. Klavan leaned back into his seat. He did understand the pain Kendall was going through; the regret, the sorrow, the tears. He was still going through his own version of Kendall's pain.

And that's why being Kendall's therapist was so much harder than Ryan made it seemed.


	15. Chapter 15

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**I think I am going to be sticking to an updating schedule of Sundays for this story. It was the best day for me update, and it gives me a whole week to write each chapter, make them the best I can, and also focus on my side projects of the moment. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan.**

* * *

"…_There are weapons that are simply thoughts, ideas, and prejudices, to be found only in the minds of men." _~Rod Serling**

* * *

**

**Chapter Fifteen**

James was angry. Whether it was at Kendall, the world, or just life in general, he wasn't sure. But he knew when he was walking around, trying to keep his head high, he hated the stares of other people. All of Palm Woods residents knew of Kendall's suicide attempt, and from the moment he woke up in the morning, to the moment his heavy head hit his pillow, James was living in the world's biggest pity party.

Kendall didn't understand that he wasn't the only victim. James was hurting more than ever. He had to pick Katie and tell her that her only brother, after losing their father, tried to kill himself. Every time James shut his eyes, he could see Katie's broken face. In the seldom nights he had sleep, James could hear the young girl's agonizing screams and sobs at the news. James walked around feeling like the Grim Reaper- and everybody was certainty treating him like he was the man of death himself.

Every time James walked past someone, he got a sad smile or a pat on the shoulder. He hated it. All he wanted was things to go back to normal. James wanted nothing more than to get in some kind of crazy time machine, and get far away from the Palm Woods exist.

But of course, that didn't exist. And just like the old Kendall, the one James knew, he didn't exist anymore either.

James's anger was building more and more each day.

* * *

Carlos was confused. He was often confused at some of life's more complex obstacles, but he had beyond confusion at this point. No matter how many times he searched the internet for the answer, or asked Logan, Carlos couldn't find the answer to the question he was searching desperately for.

What exactly happened to Kendall?

The answer was there in front of the young Latino. Carlos knew his father died, and Jo totally screwed him over, but what Carlos was trying to find what drove Kendall to this point. There was the blatant events that led had occurred over the weeks, but Carlos wanted emotional answers. He wanted to understand the emotional parts of the events that drove Kendall to hurting himself. Kendall was good at masking his emotions, but Carlos was better. While on the outside Carlos was loud, on the inside he was almost like a spy from those movies he liked so much.

For the past three weeks, Carlos had been searching for the cold answer to his burning question. And so far he had found nothing. Searching for treasure on that beach was easier than trying to find the answer to his question. His searches had been effortless. He had talked to James, Logan, Katie, and Kendall's stepfamily. He had found nothing at all. But Carlos wasn't going to stop searching.

And that is why Carlos is so confused. He didn't understand why he was searching for an answer to his question. Isn't it just best to leave some things in the dust?

Carlos's confusion was building heavier and heavier each day.

* * *

Logan was hard on himself. Almost everything he did was thought out and well planned. From homework to the guy's elaborate and over the top, Logan made sure everything turned out right in the end. But this time, nothing was turning out okay.

The raven haired boy had tried to help Kendall through his rough patch in the weeks leading up to his suicide attempt. Heck, he had even hacked into Kendall's internet files just to find out what was going on in his head. And what he found scared Logan to the core. He had lost someone close to him once; he wasn't going through it again. And when he received the news that Kendall had tried to stop his heart, Logan had failed to save his broken friend.

Logan was pushing himself to hard. He was trying to play mother, brother, leader, and friend all at once. He was playing like a mother towards Katie, making sure the young girl stayed on course with her studies, along with making sure her life stayed in its normal routine. He was playing brother to James and Carlos, making sure his two friends weren't hurting, and even though Logan knew they were, he let them hide it. James and Carlos not showing their hurt helped him fulfill his duty of being a brother better. Logan was playing friend towards all, running around and trying to get happiness in the air. Lastly, Logan was playing the role that Kendall had once played: leader. And Logan was about to collapse under it all.

Logan's pressure was piling higher and higher each day.

* * *

When Kendall returned from his session with Dr. Klavan, he gathered James, Carlos, and Logan in the living room. He couldn't survive the next few months on his own. He needed his friends by his side, giving him words of encouragement when he would want to quit.

"I don't really know where to begin…" Kendall said as he paced back and forth in front of his sitting friends. "Right now, I'm just really scared, and I need you guys to understand that. I'm beyond petrified right now of what is going to happen to me next. I need you guys to help me through this, because I can't do it alone."

"You know we are always by your side dude." Carlos stated with a quick roll of his eyes, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You don't even have to say that."

"This isn't like trying to win the hockey championship Carlos." Kendall said. "This is so much bigger, and I only have you three to help me through it; not a whole crowd of cheering fans or other teammates."

"We got your back for this." Logan piped up. "You don't need all those other people. All you need is us to get you through this." Logan blinked slowly, enjoying the feeling of his eyes meeting. He had barely slept all week, getting two or three hours at the most. The words of the others tuned out for a moment. It was only screaming that woke him from almost drifting off to the far away world of slumber.

When Logan opened his eyes, he saw James was beat red, and up in Kendall's face. Much like the other, Kendall's face was red from screaming. Carlos's face was scrunched up as he tried to shove the two fighting boys away from each other.

James's anger had finally exploded.

"Why can't you just understand they you aren't the only victim here?" James screamed. "You trying to kill yourself made us into victims too! We are all hurting, so stop playing the pity card and get over it! We are hurting just as much as you are!"

"You aren't the one who the world hates right now!" Kendall retorted, reaching over Carlos and giving the tall brunette a shove. "I have no father, and the media hates me, along with all our fans! I have nobody that sees me as a good person anymore, expect for Carlos and Logan. You are just like everyone else!"

"I wished you could have just stayed dead!" James screeched. Silence cut through the room like a lighting bolt striking the ground. Logan and Carlos stared at James with wide eyes. Kendall looked at James, no emotions on his face. James stood in his spot, letting out deep breathes. James's venomous words finally sunk in, and his eyes widen with fear and regret. "Kendall I didn't mean that…" James trailed off as he stared at Kendall. Kendall just nodded his head and sidestepped around the frozen Carlos. Kendall left the apartment, leaving without anymore words.

* * *

Ryan Klavan took another swing from the beer bottle in his hands as slow knocks came at the door of his apartment. With drunken steps, the young doctor stumbled towards the door, and opened it with sweaty hands. On the other side stood Kendall, a hard look on his face. Ryan, in his drunken state, just stared at Kendall as the latter of the two asked, "You make house calls?"


	16. Chapter 16

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**So I'm defiantly going to be sticking to an updating schedule of Sundays, probably at night. In other news, if you haven't checked out 'Glitter in the Hallway' by the stunning ashleyjordan, go read and review it. It is so worth the time.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan.**

* * *

"_Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes, come on and come to me now. Don't, be ashamed to cry, let me see you through, 'cause I've seen the dark side too." _~The Pretenders, I'll Stand By You**

* * *

**

**Chapter Sixteen**

Ryan Klavan looked at the young boy standing outside of home. Despite his fogged mind, he understood Kendall was in pain. His instincts kicked in, his mind analyzing the boy's facial features. Lips in a straight line, how his cheeks looked sucked in, like he was biting the insides of them. Face set hard in stone, hiding all emotions. But the glassy crying look in his green eyes showed the exact opposite. "Come in." Dr. Klavan said, gesturing with a wave of the hand for Kendall to enter. The blonde accepted the invitation, and stepped inside the house.

Inside the apartment, as Kendall made his way deeper inside, he found the place to be the opposite of the doctor's office. The walls were splashed in a dark tan, but pictures were everywhere of a little girl and a young woman. The mantle of the electric fireplace was covered in them, and one wall above the television was littered in them. Dr. Klavan was in several of them, but it appeared in most of the doctor himself was the photographer. "I didn't know you were married." Kendall commented as he walked over to the fireplace. He picked up a picture of all three people. The woman had curly blond hair that reached till the end of her breast, and her blue eyes had a bright spark in them. Dr. Klavan was beside the woman, his dark brown hair still short and messy, but there was a playful smile on his face as his arms were wrapped around the woman's neck from behind. The woman had her hand on Dr. Klavan's arm, her mouth half open in laughter. Hanging on Dr. Klavan' back was a young girl who had brown hair like Dr. Klavan, but blue eyes like the woman. She had on a big smile, revealing she was missing her front tooth.

"This is your wife and daughter?" Kendall asked, shaking the photograph in his hand.

"Was." Dr. Klavan replied as he collapsed onto the couch. "They were my wife and daughter."

"Divorce?" Kendall asked, setting the picture frame back in place. He continued to explore the small living room, looking at each picture. "They are very beautiful."

"I know." Dr. Klavan said with a swing of his beer. A tear slid down his cheek as Kendall looked at the picture of his daughter on a swing. "What happened?" Kendall asked.

A strangled sob escaped Dr. Klavan, catching Kendall's attention. He turned around to tears rolling at a rapid face down the man's face, the beer bottle that was in his hand now spilling onto the floor. "She was only six." Dr. Klavan whispered, his eyes meeting Kendall's. "Jenny. She was only six."

"You don't have to talk about it…" Kendall said, seeing he had touched upon a difficult memory.

"We were in the car. Jenny, my daughter, my wife Rachel, and were heading to Rachel's parents house. We got a flat tired, so we pulled over to the side of the road. Rachel and I were changing the tire, and Jenny began to wander off. The next thing we knew, tires were screeching, and a small thud. Jenny had gone into the middle of the road, and got hit by a car. I held my daughter in my arms as she died. Her last words were, "Daddy?" I had to watch my daughter die. I was her father, and I didn't take care of her." A horrible cry came from Dr. Klavan as he placed his hands in front of bloodshot eyes. "Rachel blamed me. I blamed Rachel. We divorced over the loss of our only daughter. Then I began to blame myself. My bay girl is dead because of me. She's dead, she's dead, she's dead!"

Kendall was at a loss of words. He looked back at the smiling face of Jenny, his heart aching. He didn't understand the turmoil a father could go through losing their own daughter. But he did understand what it was like to lose someone you love.

"My dad didn't want me in his wedding." Kendall said. Dr. Klavan looked up at Kendall, who was gently rocking back and forth on his heels. "When he was marrying Alex, my stepmother, he didn't want me in the wedding at all. Alex's father died a couple months before the wedding, so I was only in the wedding by process of elimination. I walked Alex down the aisle, but I wasn't supposed to be in the wedding. I never forgave my father for doing that. Now that he is gone, and I wish he died knowing that I don't hate him for that. Your daughter died knowing you love her. My father didn't."

"What are you saying?" Dr. Klavan asked.

"Nobody is to blame." Kendall said. "Nobody is ever to blame. You can't blame for something stupid, and you can't blame them for hurting."

And that is when it hit Kendall. James was right. He wasn't the only victim anymore. Kendall himself was the original victim; he just created more. Didn't that make him just as bad as Jo then?

"Am I like Jo?" Kendall blurted out. Dr. Klavan cocked his head to the side, his mind slowly clearing from all the alcohol in it. "Me trying to kill myself made me a monster. Jo drove me to this point, along with several other things. I turned James, Carlos, Logan, and all my other family members into victims. They are hurting too, and it is my fault. So doesn't that make me just like Jo?"

"No, no." Dr. Klavan answered, shaking his head. "What Jo did to you was wrong. But you," Dr. Klavan paused for a moment, trying to find the words in his clouded mind. "Are nothing like Jo. Don't ever think that."

"I tried to fix my roof." Kendall said, changing the subject. He paced the floor in front of the doctor, dizzying him. "James and I just had another fight. He told me he wished I was dead. Wouldn't it have been better if I had just died?"

"Then they would be hurting more." Dr. Klavan said. He tried to stand up, but his legs felt like jelly. "You can help them through this Kendall. Let's say that everything that is happening is like a glass of juice. You can only fill it up to a certain point before it overflows. Jo and your father's death fill the glass to its maximum capacity. You can came and knocked over the glass, the knocking over being your attempted suicide. Now that the juice is split you have to go clean it up. You need to stop trying to get people on your side and clean up the juice yourself Kendall. You can't be the victim forever."

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**Eh, I'm not too happy about this chapter. I felt like it was okay. The last line was very important to the plot, and some other things were too. I hope you all like that little background depth with Dr. Klavan, and sorry the chapter is a little short. I will try to make up for it next week. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**Today I'm giving you all a special update. Why? Because it's my birthday! So since I'm giving all of you a present, why not give me a present by giving me the longest review you have ever given me! Or, you could go vote on the poll on my profile. Or you could do both! It would mean a lot to me :) **

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan.**

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"_Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded. Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late, you found me, you found me…" _~The Fray, You Found Me**

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**Chapter Seventeen**

"You're right."

James looked up to see Kendall standing over him, chewing on his lower lip. "What?" James asked. Kendall quickly rolled up the legs of his jeans before sitting down next to his friend, his long legs sinking into the cool glistening water of the empty pool. "I said you're right." Kendall repeated.

"And what am I right about?" James asked.

"You're not the only victim." Kendall said. "I was the original victim. But I created more. It was like dominoes. Jo knocked me over, then I came tumbling down onto you guys. It is my fault for getting us this mess." Kendall paused to take a deep shaky breath before continuing on. "I'm supposed to be the one who gets us out of trouble. How exactly am I supposed to get us out of the mess that is me? I'm the trouble James. This is all my fault, and I can't just fix me."

"Kendall, you're not considering trying, you know, again are you?" James asked slowly. "You can't do this again Kendall. That's why you see Dr. Klavan. To help you overcome your thoughts of suicides and to feel better, and never do this again."

"I've tried to kill myself twice in my life James, and I'm only sixteen. I'm lucky I survived the first two times. One more time attempt and I am a sure goner." Kendall stated. When James didn't respond, Kendall looked sideways at his friend, who had wide eyes. "What's wrong James?"

"What do you mean twice?" James whispered. A breeze of wind swept through the empty pool area containing the two boys. Kendall backtracked his words, then bit his tongue when he realized the slip-up he made. "I meant once." Kendall lied. "Sorry, just a slip-up of the tongue." The blonde let out a nervous laugh, which caused James to raise an eyebrow.

"You're lying." James stated. "You are so lying. You have done this before. I want to know everything. Right now."

* * *

"_Where are you going Kendall?" Kenneth Knight asked his ten year old son, who was sneaking up the staircase. "You're supposed to be helping Katie with Lea."_

_Kendall looked at his father through the banister rails. "I just have to get something out of my room." Kendall smiled through his anger. "I will be right back down."_

"_Well be right back down." Kenneth ordered. "You're the big brother. It is your job to watch out for the younger ones. Wouldn't want to let me down, now would you?" Kenneth smiled and ruffled his son's blonde hair, messing it up more than it already was. Kenneth walked back into the kitchen, joining his ex-wife and current wife, who were in the middle of an animated conversation. Kendall watched his father put his arm around his new wife, Alex. Kendall let out an angry puff of air before stomping his way up the wooden staircase. _

_He hated Alex. The woman stole Kenneth away from Kendall's mother, Charlene. Kendall swore to anybody that Alex was the devil back on Earth. Even though Kenneth had met the brunette after the divorce, something was off about her. And then, not even a month after being married, Alex announced she was pregnant. The happy couple had just reached their one year anniversary when the spawn of the devil, Lea, was born. Kendall hated Lea too. She stole Kendall's looks, and combined them with Alex's. Looking at the two month baby for Kendall was like looking at an evil version of himself._

_Kendall practically slammed his bedroom shut. He hated his mother for getting the family for a fun night. He hated Katie for enjoying the night. He hated his father for acting like he never loved his mother. He hated the way Alex was walking around the house like she owned it. Kendall was just hating life right now. And didn't he deserve too? He was failing at everything in school. He was trying his best, but his mother wasn't putting her attention into getting him a tutor. She was too busying blaming Kendall for the divorce for the past two years. And when the wedding happened last year, the blaming got worse. Then there was the whole 'walking-Alex-down-the-aisle-incident.' Kendall wasn't supposed to be in the wedding. He was nothing more than substitute for Alex's father who passed away. Kendall was nothing to his family then a babysitter and an excuse for a good yelling. Why was he even living?_

"_Kendall!" Kenneth's voice reached Kendall's ears. "Come back downstairs now!"_

"_Coming Dad!" Kendall shouted back. The ten year old took a deep breathe before entering his own personal version of hell. He walked down the hallway, stopping at the top of the staircase. The laughter of all below echoed up the staircase, burning in Kendall's ears. They were having fun without him._

_The wooden staircase screamed in front of Kendall. "Come on, do it! Jump down me, fall down me, do something!" They screamed. "Do it!"_

_Kendall gulped. They had mention something like this in school. When you had bad thoughts and wanted to end your life…_

_Kendall never finished his thought. He was diving head first down the stairs. Crack! Kendall felt the first step come in contact with his head and arm. Bam! The next step jabbed into Kendall's rib as he went tumbling down. He didn't even feel the pain as his body jerked to a stop. He stared up at the spinning ceilings above him. His fingers were wet in something. As Kendall shut his eyes, he heard a high pitch scream get let out. Hands curled around his body as Kendall heard orders being shouted._

"_Stay with me son. I love you, stay with me here Kendall." It was Kenneth's voice. More voices began to chant his name, till they all swirled together in a moaning noise. As Kendall began to drown in darkness, he formed one thought…_

_They do care._

* * *

"I had no idea." James said softly, placing a reassuring hand on Kendall's shoulder. "I didn't know all that happened. Carlos, Logan, and I thought you just fell down the stairs."

"I lied to everybody when I woke up." Kendall confessed. He played with a loose thread of string on his jacket, unwilling to look James in the eye. "Before I passed out that night, I heard everybody pleading with me to stay with them and that they love me. I was ten. I was scared beyond belief. I thought I was going to get punished if I told them the truth. So I lied and told them I fell down the stairs."

"Did they ever find out the truth?" James asked. Kendall shook his head back and forth. "Maybe you should tell them what really happened." James suggested. Kendall shot his head up, looking at James with wide eyes. James removed his hand from Kendall's shoulder as his friend began to shout. "Are you crazy? They would kill me if they found out the truth about that night!"

"Look, right now you should be keeping things bottled up." James explained. "I'm not doctor, but those feelings from when you were ten probably lingered with you all these years. You need to get rid of them, and the only way is by telling you mom what really happened when you were ten."

"What if she hates me?" Kendall whispered. "What if she begins to do all those things she did to me when I was ten? I can't go through those again James. I can't keep living in a repeating cycle of sorrow."

"Then change the cycle." James said. "You are the one who controls your life. So make the change you want to see. You can't keep hurting forever."


	18. Chapter 18

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**Thank you to all who gave me wonderful birthday wishes yesterday. I had a great birthday. My friend made me a t-shirt that has all the BTR guys on and the band name on the back! But I normally update on Sundays, and I made a promise to myself that I was going to stick to this updating schedule, so I present a new chapter for all of you. But if you haven't reviewed the last chapter, well, you still should!**

**I must give a big thank you to everyone who voted for this story in the 2011 BTR Fanfic Awards. This story won the award for best Kendall Centric Angst Story, and I truthfully can't believe it did. The other two nominees in that category were 'Romantic Heart' by TealMoose and 'Live and Let Live' by DarkElements10, and their stories are stunning. I'm in complete awe that I won, and I won only because of you, the readers/reviewers, loyal support of my writing. One of the main reasons I write is because of the support and loving reviews I receive with each chapter. I dedicate that award to you guys. You deserve as much credit as I do. Thank you so much. This chapter is just for all you.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan.**

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"'_O, then I see that madmen have no ears.'_

'_How should they, when that wise men have no eyes?'"_

~Dialogue between Friar Laurence and Romeo Montague from William Shakespeare's play, Romeo and Juliet

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**Chapter Eighteen**

The next night, Kendall had made up his mind. "Mom?" Kendall said as he knocked on the open door of the woman's bedroom. Charlene Knight looked up to see her son standing in the doorway. Her first instinct was to look away, but she held eye contact with her broken son. "Can we talk?" Kendall's words were hesitant. The way he gripped the doorway showed how scared he to enter the room, and mostly important, how scared he was of his mother.

And that broke Charlene's heart into even more pieces. The last several weeks the mother had felt like someone was constantly jumping up and down on her glass heart like it was a trampoline. She felt weak, and her body felt sore. It was probably from all the crying she had been doing all that time her heart was aching. And now, looking her son in the eye, made her ache even more. "Sure sweetie." Charlene faked a smile, and patted on the blue bedspread she was sitting on.

"Taxes?" Kendall asked as he took a seat on the bed. Charlene nodded her head as she clicked her pen shut. "But taxes are important right now." Charlene stated as she cast the work she had been doing to the side. "What do you want to talk about?"

"We need to talk about when I was ten." Kendall said shakily. He fiddled with thumbs, not looking at his mother as he carried on. "I lied to you."

"About when you broke the window with the baseball?" Charlene asked, titling her head slightly to the side as she looked at her son, who was getting eaten away by guilt right before her eyes. "I know that was an accident."

"Not that accident Mom." Kendall said. "The one where I fell down the stairs."

"What about it?" Charlene asked. She leaned forward, trying to grab her son's head. "Is your scar hurting? Suffering from migraines? Do you need to see a doctor?" Charlene successfully placed her hands on Kendall's, even though it was his shoulder. She tried to pull her son closer towards her, but Kendall shook off his mother and jump up off the bed frantically. "No, no, no!" Kendall shouted. "Will you listen to me for just one second?"

Charlene fell silent, taking in her son. His eyes were filling with tears, and his body was shaking. Dark circles were under his eyes, probably from lack of sleep. Charlene knew Kendall hadn't sleep in his room since he had tried to kill himself. Heck, he hadn't even set foot in his room since the attempt, and she couldn't blame him. Charlene hated walking by her son's room. The memory behind that closed was haunting. It was like there was a hungry monster lying behind that door, scratching at the wood, screaming for a new victim.

"You have my attention." Charlene said in a soft tone.

"It wasn't an accident." Kendall began, pacing the floor. "On that night, I was really upset. I hated how Alex acted like she ruled the house and how she basically stole Dad from you. Lea was like the perfect child in everybody's eyes, and she acted just like Katie and I did when we were younger. I hated how that night Dad acted like I should be the grown up while you adults got to do nothing. I was already hurting. You wouldn't get me a tutor in school, and everything in my life just sucked. So when I was in my room and Dad told me to come back downstairs, I really didn't want to. I was angry at everything and everybody at that moment. So when I was walking down the hall and reached the staircase, I heard everybody laughing and having so much fun. I wasn't there. I began to think about how you guys didn't need me to have fun. Then other thoughts formed and the staircase was there…Mom, I'm so sorry."

"The staircase wasn't an accident?" Charlene questioned. Kendall slowly nodded his head and Charlene let out a cross between a gasp and a cry. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared." Kendall confessed. "I was only ten. I figured I was going to get in trouble so I lied and told everybody I fell."

"Kendall, you should have told me." Charlene said. "We could have talked about everything that was going on…"

Kendall laughed viciously, catching his mother off guard. "Talked about it?" Kendall said between laughs. "Talk about it! The only time you ever even spoke to me was when you were blaming me for the divorce!"

"That's not true!" Charlene retorted. She jumped to her feet, pointing an accusing finger at her son. "I never once blamed you for the divorce."

"Did you fall down stairs anytime time lately?" Kendall sneered. "All you ever did was blame me for the divorce. 'Oh Kendall, why did you have to be so stupid?' and 'Kendall, no wonder your father left. You can't do anything right!' Any of those remarks ring a bell Mom?"

Charlene was speechless. She never realized how bitter and nasty her remarks had been back then. "I was just so upset about the divorce." Charlene explained. "I was mad at your father, and I needed some kind of outlet to express that anger at. I never meant to hurt you like that Kendall."

"You were angry for two whole years?" Kendall gaped. "You can really hold onto anger for a long time then, can't you? It seems like you can't let go of a grudge. And you expect me to look towards you as a role model?"

The words were like knives shooting through the air, piercing Charlene. "How dare you speak to me like that!" She snapped. "If you haven't forgotten I am your mother."

"And if you forget all those years ago Mom, I was a child." Kendall hissed. "You made me a damaged child. I blame you for the reason I tried to kill myself weeks ago. I've been hurting for years, and you never saw anything wrong with what you said to me as a child. My childhood ended at eight years old. You made me this. This is your fault."

Kendall stormed out of the room, leaving a destroyed Charlene in his wake.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Kendall was sitting in a lounge chair outside by the pool. Several people came and went, but they let Kendall be. Eyes closed, Kendall let out a long sigh, enjoying the fact that he simply let his busy mind rest.

Then something smacked in dead straight in the face.

"I can't believe you!" Jo's shrill voice screamed as Kendall quickly shot up straight in his seat. He looked at his anger ex-girlfriend and rolled his eyes. "Can't you just leave me alone?" Kendall pleaded, wanting to go back to doing nothing but rest.

"You told the press this was my fault?" Jo questioned, shoving a magazine in Kendall's face. The blonde hair boy took it, looking at the cover, which featured a picture of Jo and Kendall on it, and a caption that read, _"Jo Taylor…America's sweetheart or America's devil?"_

"How did the press find out…?" Kendall trailed off, running his fingers through his hair. "You told the press I tried to commit suicide?"

"No!" Jo said with a stomp of her foot. "Haven't you realized that I could care less about whatever you are doing with your whiny, pathetic life? What I care about is that you are trying to bring me down in your desperate attempt to crawl out of the hole you dug yourself. It won't work Kendall."

"Are you kidding me?" Kendall shouted. He stood up, towering over Jo. "You think that I wanted the press to know that I tried to kill myself? And this is your fault! You are the reason I went and did what I did!"

Jo's evil eyes went up and down Kendall's body. "You can stand here and blame me for your idiot moves, but we all know that you can't blame anything on me. I'm great, and you are nothing. You can't do anything right. You can't even kill yourself right. Get a life, or better yet, why don't you just end it for real this time?" With a vicious smirk, Jo spun on the heel of her shoes, and left Kendall standing alone.

His mind was racing again. Only twenty minutes ago, Kendall blamed his mother for his suicide attempt. Now, he was blaming Jo.

There was only one question at hand: Who was to blame here?


	19. Chapter 19

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**Hello there my loving reviewers. This story is beginning to near its close, but don't be alarmed! We still have maybe like ten, twelve chapters to go…? Not sure yet, but I do have the endgame in mind. So since this story is coming to its close, it means that I need to go get started on my next project. And you all get to decide what it will be. So after reading this chapter, and reviewing it, go vote on the poll on my profile so I may get started on my next project. Every vote counts, so vote for your favorite! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan**.

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__"Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now you got someone to blame?"_ ~One by U2**

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**Chapter Nineteen**

"I have it all figured out." Kendall declared as he walked into Dr. Klavan's office Monday afternoon. The young doctor looked up as Kendall took a seat comfortably on the couch. Ryan could see Kendall was becoming comfortable with his surroundings and the doctor himself. By the way Kendall sunk into the couch like it was a couch he sat one everyday, or the small glimmer of some kind of emotion in his eyes, Ryan could see Kendall was ready to finally fix his problems.

Or shove them onto someone else.

"And what have you figured out?" Dr. Klavan asked, setting down his pen to show the teen his full attention was focused on him. Even though Kendall tried to hide it, Ryan could see the smile that tugged at his lips.

"I know whose fault it is." Kendall smiled now, like he had just won first prize in a race. "It's not my fault I tried to kill myself. It's clearly Jo's, my mom, and my father's fault. Well, I don't really know if I can blame my father, but on some level I can. He expected a lot of me when I was younger, and that added pressure. And my mom blaming me for the divorce so long was like shoving me off a cliff when I was ten. That is why I threw myself down the stairs then. But if you think about it, I never actually let it go with my mom. I didn't come to that realization until yesterday, but that isn't my point. Since I never forgave my mother and father, my pressure glass was basically filled to the top. The drama with Jo, like you have said before, was the overflowing point. So clearly I didn't do anything!"

Dr. Klavan pulled his glasses off his face, wiping the glass with the edge of his blue collared shirt. He let out a sigh before placing the glasses back on his face. "Kendall, there are reasons we have these sessions. Do you know why we do?"

"I have to solve my emotional problems so I can be cleared to go back to work." Kendall said. "And we have solved my problems. We have figured out those out. My emotional problems were caused by others."

"Yes, and you blaming others for your mistake isn't solving any problems. It's a cover up for the truth." Dr. Klavan stated.

"But I didn't make any mistakes." Kendall countered. "Everybody made them for me."

"Kendall, we just took five steps backwards." Dr. Klavan sighed. "Don't you realize that you are the one who tried to kill yourself?"

"I realize that I was pushed in the direction of suicide."

Dr. Klavan groaned and dropped his head against his desk. Kendall…he was denying the truth. He didn't want to see what he had done to his family members, to his friends, to himself. He wanted to pretend like nothing had happened, and he was going to blame everybody around him until he didn't have to see the truth.

"Why did you choose the rope?" Dr. Klavan asked suddenly, lifting his head off the desk. He quickly jumped out of his seat and ran over to the corner of the room, where had a large portable whiteboard at hand. He had been using with it a younger patient the day before, and hadn't had a chance to take it out of the room. Quickly, in his chicken scratch handwriting, Dr. Klavan wrote down 'rope'. His young genius mind was in full gear, and the gears were spinning faster than he could function.

"What is so important about the rope?" Kendall asked, confused.

"There is a reason you choose to use a rope to hang yourself." Dr. Klavan explained. He spun around to face Kendall, speaking and using hand motions as he did. "You could have used pills, or gotten a gun. Those are the most effective ways of suicide. But no, you used a rope. And not any kind of rope. You could have used a belt or even a shoelace, but you used a nylon rope. Why is the rope is important to you Kendall?"

And then the feelings come slamming back. Kendall dug his nails into his palm, wanting them to go away as he stared down Dr. Klavan. He had been burying the feelings of guilt, anger, sorrow underneath blame for the past several days.

"I don't know." Kendall choked out.

"Yes you do Kendall." Dr. Klavan said. The words rushed out of his mouth. He was onto something. One answer of this broken puzzle was somewhere, and only Kendall knew where it was. "Kendall, I need you to think. Why did you choose the rope in your attempt?"

"I…I first saw it after my father's funeral." Kendall confessed. "Katie had just told me she hated me and then I saw the rope. I imaged how great it would be to just tie it around my neck and just escape the world."

Dr. Klavan didn't respond. He wrote down several words on the white board, his body blocking them from Kendall's view. Kendall listened as the young doctor mumbled to himself, before one name escaped his mouth, and the name shocked Kendall to the core.

"Katie."

"What about Katie?" Kendall asked harshly. His brotherly instincts for his little twelve year old sister took over. "Why are you saying my little sister's name?"

"She was the trigger." Dr. Klavan said. "You got over your problems with your mother years ago. Your father's death was yes, painful, but you will move on. Jo…she is just a heartbreak on the road of life. But Katie…she is your little sister. She is the girl who looks up to you, makes you want to be a better person. So when she told you she hated you, your world was shattered. Now Katie was the direct reason she tried to kill yourself. Your attempt was like a string that was leading to dynamite. Katie was the match, and the rest of your problems was the string. The fire reaches the end and boom!"

"So you are telling me that Jo and my father's death were just small things," Kendall clarified. "And that my little twelve year old sister is the spark of it all?"

"Yes." Dr. Klavan stated. "She is the reason you saw the rope. Katie, Kendall is the trigger of this whole mess."

Kendall opened his mouth to argue back. He opened it to say that there was no way his baby sister started his suicidal feelings. But Kendall couldn't. He wanted to say that Dr. Klavan was wrong; that Katie wasn't his trigger.

But Kendall just broke down and began to cry over the truth.


	20. Chapter 20

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Waiting on 'Superman'

**I got all of you with that nice big cliffhanger at the end of the last chapter. I'm the author and I didn't even see that coming! But now that we know the trigger, we have to see what happens next, right? **

**But before we get into the chapter, I have started a new poll on which story should be my next. There is a brand new poll with a new choice, so please go vote on that poll once you read and review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot and Dr. Klavan.**

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"_No one deserves this feeling. You know what the worst part is, it's not the burning in your eyes, or the way the slushie drips all the way into your underpants, it's the humiliation. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment." ~_Noah Puckerman**

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**Chapter Twenty**

Dinner was silent. Forks scraped against plates, glasses clinking when they hit the wooden table echoed throughout the apartment. Everybody could tell something was up with Kendall, but they didn't dare speak a word. It was a silent agreement they all made after Kendall's attempt; don't push him into anything. They weren't willing to be the cause of any more suicide attempts to come in the future.

Unknown to all but Kendall, one was sitting at the table.

"Can I have the milk Kendall?" Katie asked. Kendall wordlessly picked up the carton and shoved it at the younger girl, his eyes never leaving his plate once. "Thanks." Katie mumbled. The cool liquid hitting the sides of glass filled the room, and still, nobody spoke. A fork slamming against its plate crashed in the room, making everybody jump. Kendall shoved his chair backwards, storming away from the kitchen table. Everybody watched as he disappeared into the bathroom, the slam of the wooden door signaling that he wasn't coming down to finish his dinner.

Inside the bathroom, Kendall sunk down to the tile floor, clutching his head. He couldn't do it. He couldn't sit at a table, with his little sister, and know that she is the reason for his downward spiral into the world of suicide. The pain inside Kendall hurt. He needed some kind of relief. He needed the pain to leave him.

Fumbling around, Kendall threw his hands out, searching for something. And then he found. His large hands wrapped around the neck of the razor. He brought it towards his arm, the silver teeth inches away…

"Logan!"

Kendall's head shot up, the razor falling out of his hands. He ripped open the door, charging out of the bathroom. His sock covered feet slid him across the room, causing him to crash into the counter closest to the living room. Kendall gripped the counter, staring at his unconscious friend lying next to the dinner table.

"What happened?" Kendall's voice was filled with panic. Carlos was lightly patting Logan's pale cheek, attempting to wake him. James, who was kneeling next to Logan, looked up at Kendall. "We were just eating and all of a sudden, Logan just passed out." The tall brunette explained, looking down at Logan with a worried expression.

"Ambulance is on its way." Mrs. Knight stated, hanging up the phone. Kendall hadn't even notice she was there when he slid past her. His blue-green eyes flicked to Katie, who sat at the kitchen table, wordless.

It was times like these Kendall was walk over and hug his baby sister, telling her everything would be alright. And as Katie sat in her chair, watching Carlos try to wake Logan, she was wishing Kendall would do just that. But instead, Kendall stood gripping the counter, watching Logan.

Everything was just so _broken._

Sirens could be heard outside the Palm Woods. Everybody was silent as rapid knocks came at the door. As Mrs. Knight ran to answer the door, Logan began to stir. James and Carlos let out sighs of relief while Kendall joined Logan at his side. "Kendall?" Logan whispered, his brown eyes fluttering open to meet Kendall's.

"I'm right here buddy." Kendall whispered back, patting his friend's hand. Medics swarmed in the room, gently shoving James and Carlos back, but let Kendall be. "Why did you faint Logan? You always keep yourself so healthy. What happened?" The blonde asked as his friend as raised onto a stretcher.

Logan looked up at Kendall, blinking his eyes. "I was trying to be you."

That's when Kendall lost it.

* * *

He was numb. So numb. Feeling gone from his body as he ran down the street, the spring air warming his neck as he raced across the concrete. Corner after corner, the people becoming a blur as he just ran.

It was the park downtown where he finally collapsed. He gripped the plastic slide, his body pressing into the yellow. It was comforting as he took in the oxygen around him.

Logan had fainted because of him. If he hadn't been so busy hurting and feeling sorry for himself, he would have seen what his friend was collapsing into. The dark circles under his eyes, the unusual paleness in his skin tone, the way his eyelids constantly seemed to be drooping when he should have been wide awake…oh, how couldn't he see then?

What had he done?

Kendall sat up, rubbing his face. He was done. He was done hurting, wallowing in self-pity, destroying his friends and family around him. The town square clock chimed behind him, signaling the start of a new day. And with this new day, Kendall was a new man.

* * *

"Why were you trying to be me?"

Logan looked up at Kendall, who stood in the doorway of his hospital room. "Excuse me?" He asked, raising on eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"You said to mean before that you fainted because you were trying to be me." Kendall clarified, taking a seat next to Logan. "So what do you mean by that?"

"Nothing." Logan muttered, fiddling with his thumbs. He was avoiding eye contact with Kendall. He was fully aware of why he had fainted, and the reason behind it. Exhaustion, due to the fact that he was busy filling Kendall's abandoned shoes. During that time, Logan had neglected its body of its rights, and this caught up to him.

"Thank you."

Logan's head snapped up, looking at Kendall, who sat content with a soft smile on his face. "What?" The raven haired boy asked.

"I know what you were trying to do." Kendall explained. "You were trying to keep everybody together by fulfilling my role in the group. So thank you. But if you don't mind, I want my role back. Unless you want me to be the brainy nerd, but I don't think that will end well."

And then Kendall laughed. It was a real laugh, not a fake one. His head dipped back, laughter erupting from his throat. Logan was laughing too, not only from Kendall's joke, but from joy. Kendall was smiling, having fun. Logan hadn't seen this from Kendall in such a long time. It was like the old Kendall was back.

"Trust me, you can have your role back. I hate having all these IVs attached into me anyways." Logan let out a fake shutter, which caused Kendall to laugh again.

It was music to everybody's ears. James and Carlos stood in the doorway, watching everything with wide smiles. Mrs. Knight and Katie were in the hallway, hugging at the wondrous noise that filled their ears. What was happening was so _normal_.

"So you feeling better?" Logan asked, the mood is the room so much lighter.

"I feel the best I have in a long time." Kendall smiled. "I was so busy focusing on the bad that I couldn't anything else. I was blinded by tears, anger, sorrow, frustration. But this," He paused and gestured to Logan, who was sitting in his hospital bed, "Opened my eyes. I can't live in the past forever. I just need to move forward, and hope everything turns out okay."

"And we can help!" Carlos exclaimed. He rushed over to Logan's bedside, James following at his excited friend's heel. "We can totally set up Camp Happy at home, and focus on happy things, such as hockey, video games, and corn dogs! But mostly corn dogs!"

"To sum up Carlos's corn dog centric idea, we are here to help." James clarified. "You have us by your side, and all we want to do is help you. We have your back, always."

"Thanks, but this is something I need to do on my own." Kendall stood up from his chair. "I'm coming to go home and get some sleep. See you all tomorrow."

Kendall began to walk away, and was in the doorway when Logan called out to him. He turned around, looking at his best friend. "Happy seventeenth birthday."

* * *

The room was dark, even though he was standing in the bright hallway, and the door was closed. But behind that closed door, demons clawed at the wood, scratching to get out. Ghosts laughed against the walls, teasing for him to come in.

With a deep breathe, Kendall opened the door to his bedroom. He stepped inside, flipping on the light switch. Everything was neat, just like he had left it. The bed was still made, the papers on his desk still in the same order he had left them. His closed, where he had tried to hang himself, was closed. He could feel the memories inside haunting him.

But Kendall ignored them. Instead, he laid down in his bed, sinking in the soft sheets he had not sleep in for a long time.

And slowly, Kendall fell asleep in his own room for the first time in weeks.


	21. Chapter 21

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**On Tuesday, I think, all of you who are subscribed to this story probably received an update. Let me clarify the situation:**

**Like I said, on Tuesday, I believe, Falling To Fly (thank you again!) messaged me asking me if I had published my first story, 'Death and All His Friends' on another website. I did not do this. So I went looking, and it turns out my story had been and published by another author, who stole my work as their own. I published a note on this story, along with on Death and All His Friends, asking anybody who could help get the story off, but I managed to get in touch with the author on the other site right after I posted that note. According to the author, they were sorry and had no clue that it was my story they had posted. They claim that it was their friend had said she had written MY story, and had the author post the story as their friend was too scared to do it on there own. **

**I'm wary on believing that reason, but the story was taken down, and I removed the note before anything got out of hand. So thank you to Falling to Fly for informing me about the story, and MyHeroRaven for putting in their word to get my story back on Fanfiction.**

**So there is what happened. Sorry to all of you who got excited over an early update, but I was fuming that day over the fact that my story was stolen. **

**But that is in the past, and here I am with a new chapter for all of you. And please go vote on the poll of my profile to decide what my next story will be! So onward with the new chapter, and please, do enjoy. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan.**

* * *

"_But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part, For a hero's strength is measured by his heart…" _~The Song, _Go the Distance_, from the movie, _Hercules _

* * *

**Chapter Twenty One**

"So….how exactly do we find the real Kendall Knight?"

It was the same rundown, just different question this time around. Kendall would start his sessions out with a question, and then Dr. Klavan and him would just see where the question took them from there.

"We start wherever you want to start." Dr. Klavan leaned back in his seat, brown eyes watching Kendall as the blonde chewed on his lip. "Hard, isn't it?"

"I just don't know who exactly I am at this point." Kendall shrugged. "I'm just really lost right now, and you said in our first session that we were would find the real Kendall Knight. So how do we do that?"

"Well, we know the trigger of your downfall." Dr. Klavan held up his hand, counting down each item off his metaphorically checklist as he spoke. "When you were ten, you threw yourself down the stairs, even though you were confused by the feelings you felt. Flash forward six years, and your father dies. Then after the funeral, Katie tells you she hates you, and you start seeing the world different. Jo's actions feel more like stab wounds, your father's death becomes harder to handle, and the world is crashing around you. Suicidal thoughts overtake you, and you try to hang yourself. But that is the past. You are living in a shatter world, unsure of where you stand upon the broken pieces. But the thing is Kendall…you are the broken pieces of this shattered world."

Dr. Klavan paused at seeing Kendall's slightly agitated face. Despite this, the doctor pressed on. "You are living in a world that you believe is broken. But you, and only you, are the broken world. You control your own life, thereby making it your world."

"You have lost me Doc." Kendall flatly stated.

"You, and only you, are the..." Dr. Klavan trailed off, trying to find the right words, "You are the pilot of your life. When flying a plane, you control its direction. Now take that metaphor and apply it to real life."

"So I need to be the change I want to see?" Kendall said, but it came out more as a question. "I can control my life, but I need to steer myself in the right direction?"

"Exactly!" Dr. Klavan exclaimed, a smile growing on his face. Kendall smiled back at seeing the young man's excitement over the progress being made. "You are the one who is in charge of what you do, so you can change everything Kendall. You have to be the one to do it. Listen to others, because they can help you, but do what you think is right for yourself in the end. Remember, it is your life."

"I'm feeling better about myself lately." Kendall said. "I'm sleeping more and Carlos says I'm eating better. I laughed the other day. James told me he has never seen me smile more than I have in the past several days. Everything just feels so happy lately. I'm thinking less about my father's death. I haven't seen Jo in a week, and my face hasn't been plastered all over the news lately. Everything and everybody have just been so…peaceful. But I feel like I don't belong in some places at certain times. But everybody around me as taught me to be strong during this time. I'm doing better, and it feels great."

Dr. Klavan opened a draw in his desk, pulling out a notepad. He scribbled something, and then handed it to Kendall. The blonde leaned forward, taking it out of the man's hand. His green eyes scanned over the paper, his mouth hanging open.

"You're clearing me to go back to work?"

* * *

"This calls for a party!"

Carlos was standing on the couch, his arms up in the air as he waved around Kendall's clearance to go back to work. Kendall stood by the television, shaking his head at his friend's proposal. "I think it's a little too early for Kendall to be going out and partying." Logan said from his spot on the couch.

"Oh, come on!" James said, jumping up from his spot next to Logan on the couch. "For the past several months, all Kendall has down to hurt and been kept on lockdown. Don't you think it is time for him to be living a little?"

"He just got cleared to go back to work. We don't want anything ruining that, now do we?" Logan countered. "I'm sure our fans are missing us, and after this long break, they deserve to know that all of us are still alive."

"They do." Katie chimed from the top of the swirly slide. Her tiny body appeared at the bottom of the yellow tube moments later, a magazine in hand. "Congrats boys, you made front cover." Katie tossed the magazine in Logan's direction. The smack of the magazine echoed in the room as it hit the coffee table, sliding across, and then flew to the floor with another smack. Logan picked up the magazine, seeing four different pictures of the boys. In the top left corner was a picture of Carlos standing outside the Palm Woods, the blue and red lights of an ambulance dancing across his distraught face. The next picture next to Carlos's was James walking through the Palm Woods, his head down, but a single tear was seen steaming down his upset face. Below James's picture was one of Logan, laying in his hospital bed after passing out, unconscious. The last picture was one of Kendall, walking down a street at night, his face hard, but dried tears clear on his cheeks. And in big letters, in the middle of cover, read, _Big Time Rush reaching a Big Time Breakdown?_

Logan threw the magazine down, anger boiling inside him. Cautiously, James bent down and retrieved the magazine. Carlos jumped off the couch, peering over James's shoulder to see what had made Logan so angry. Kendall just remained in place, not even wanting to see what the magazine contained. He was willing to let anything push him back into the depression zone. That was a dark path, and he had finally found the light at the end.

James flipped opened the magazine, scanning the pages with rage. "They know everything that has been going on!"

"What does it say about my attempt?" Kendall asked quietly, shutting his eyes. He felt woozy. The ground seemed to be shifting below his feet as he pressed his back against the wall, afraid to crash through the floor.

"Nothing." James replied.

Kendall's eyes snapped open at the one word answer. "It doesn't?"

"On the page about you, it only mentions about how you are seeing a therapist for 'emotional issues'." James reported. "Nothing about your suicide attempt, but there is stuff about you and Jo."

"Great." Kendall groaned. "When that she-devil sees this, she is going to freak…"

"Wait till Jo sees this?" Logan hissed. "What about my father? He is going to flip on me for passing out from stress! He didn't even want me coming out here in the first place! When he sees this, my father will be catching the first plane out here and drag me back home…"

"Nobody is going anywhere." Kendall declared. He took another step forward, taking the magazine out of James's hands. Shaking the magazine in his hand, the freshly turned seventeen year old said, "When your father didn't want you to compete in the hockey championship, what did you do Logan?"

"I went anyways, despite the fact that I could get in trouble." Logan replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

"So what difference does it make here?" Kendall questioned. "You and your dad should have known that coming out here was bound to have some kind of trouble. Life always has trouble. We just have to deal with it. This situation," Kendall held up the magazine, "Is nothing more than anything obstacle in our way. This stupid magazine problem is just another hockey game, and one we are going to win!"

Smiles spread throughout the room as James, Carlos, Logan, and Katie nodded their heads in agreement. But the smiles weren't over Kendall's determination. No, it was over the fact that the only Kendall was beginning to break out of his dark shell.

It was like Kendall Knight was finally coming home.


	22. Chapter 22

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**Yes, this is a real chapter. I'm going to try to bump my updating schedule to twice a week so we can get a real move on with this story, as I am very excited to publish my next story, Man on the Moon. I just finish the prologue before, and I can't wait to publish it. But don't worry, my attention is still focused on this story 100%.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan.**

* * *

"_I'm sick and tired of people pushing me to be something I'm not."_~Finn Hudson

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Two**

Kendall had no way to explain how he had ended up in this position.

"Can't you just give it a rest Knight?" Jett screamed at the top of his lungs, charging at Kendall again. The green eyed boy jumped out of the way of the raging teen's path, and ended up in the pool, his blood mixing in with the chlorine blue water.

Underneath the water, everything was so peaceful. Kendall felt at easy for the first time since yesterday, when Katie had showed them that magazine. Suddenly, a noise broke the silence underwater, and Kendall was yanked back up to the surface forcefully. A fist collided with his face, knocking Kendall backwards. In his blurred state, Kendall swung at Jett, hitting him square across the jaw.

Jett went flying backwards, his body colliding with the water. Kendall used this moment to escape the pool. Once back on dry land, Kendall bent over, catching his breath.

"Get him good Jett!" Jo screamed from her safety spot in the lobby. Kendall looked up at her, glaring daggers at his ex-girlfriend. She was the reason for this.

* * *

"_Can't you just leave me alone?" Jo screamed, charging across the lobby to Kendal sat, reading a book. Heads turned in the direction of the screaming girl, and Kendall let out a groan as Jo continued to scream. "You have to make everything about you. Can't you just realize that nobody likes you?"  
_

"_Jo, please, just go away." Kendall knew what this was all about. She had saw the magazine that had exposed all details about what had happened between the two, and Jo's perfect good-girl Hollywood reputation had been shattered. Kendall couldn't help but smile to himself at the thought of the world finally seeing what Jo really was- the Devil in disguise._

"_No I won't!" Jo yelled. "I want you to stop being such a drama queen and go tell the world that everything in the tabloids about me is a lie. You created this mess with your little suicide party drama, and now you will be the one to fix it!"_

_Kendall set down his book, slowly standing up. Whispers rippled through the room quickly, then died down. "I'm not doing anything you say. You want to fix the mess that __**you**__ created? Go tell the world how you cheated on me, lied, and now are drowning in your lies." To emphasize his point, Kendall gave Jo a soft jab in the chest._

_Big mistake._

"_Get your hands off my girlfriend!" _

_Next thing Kendall knew, he and Jett were flying over the couch._

* * *

And that's how Kendall ended up here, fighting Jett outside by the pool. Water splashing around echoed through the shocked pool area, and Jett began to emerge out of the pool. Kendall braced himself for the next round, despite the fact that his body was screaming for any type of rest.

"You are going down eyebrows." Jett hissed before charging towards Kendall again.

But Jett never made it at Kendall. He found himself lying face first on the ground, knocked out by a blow to the back of the head by Carlos, who waved at Kendall. "Carlos!" Kendall scowled through his smile.

"Hey buddy." Carlos smiled back. "Gustavo wants you down at the studio, and we must have called your phone like ten times, but I see why you didn't answer. Stupid lump." Carlos gave a swift kick to the unconscious Jett. "So come on, let's get you changed and back to the studio."

Kendall nodded his head, and began to follow Carlos out of the pool area. A crying Jo, and only Jo, rushed to Jett's side. The rest of the Palm Woods was clapping for Carlos and Kendall, congratulation them on finally taking down the resident bully.

* * *

"Hey Carlos?"

Carlos peeked his head into Kendall's room, to find the blonde boy freshly changed out of his wet clothes and sitting at his desk. "What's up?" The Latino asked as he strolled into the room.

"Do you blame me for everything that has happened?" Kendall's voice was soft, almost like it was a timid child talking. Carlos laid down on Kendall's bed, the thoughts on his mind finally coming out.

"Well, in a way I do, but in a way I don't." The younger boy confessed honestly. "That is a question I have been asking myself since this whole ordeal began. At first, I blamed Jo. But then slowly, I shift my blame to your father for leaving so suddenly. Then around the time James told you he wished you could have just died, I began to see things differently. I wondered what would have happened if you had just killed yourself. That's when I began to blame you. I began to think nothing would have happened if you had just stayed dead. When Logan passed out a few days ago, I stopped blaming you. Watching you smile and laugh…I realized that this was no one's fault. Life gave all of us a curveball here, and we just couldn't catch it, you know?"

"What if I told you I still blame myself?" Kendall asked, looking down at his fiddling thumbs. "What would you say to that?"

"I would say I understand." Carlos sat up slowly. "You are the one who tried to hang yourself after all. So naturally you are going to blame yourself. But I wish you could just see that this is nobody's fault. This is just one of those roadblocks in life that you have to figure out how to get around."

Kendall looked up at Carlos. "Dr. Klavan told me that Katie was the trigger of this whole mess. Remember how I told you that she said that she hated me? Well Dr. Klavan said that's when I really began to think my suicidal thoughts."

"I would agree." Kendall cocked his head at Carlos's words. Clearing his throat, Carlos explained himself. "I'm not doctor like Dr. Klavan, or an aspiring one like Logan, but a main reason you act as a leader is to show Katie that not everybody walks out on the family like your father."

"My father didn't walk out." Kendall countered.

"Come on Kendall." Carlos raised an eyebrow. "Your father married another woman only two years after getting a divorce. They started dating only five months after the divorce. Does that not scream 'affair' to you?"

Carlos was right. How could Kendall never put that together? Alex came so quickly in Kenneth's life after the divorce. But Alex had been there from their start. She hadn't just come into the picture; she was already in the picture, just hidden very well in the background.

"I'm so stupid." Kendall muttered. "How could I have never seen that?"

"Maybe you always knew it. You just didn't want to accept it." Carlos glanced over at the radio clock Kendall had on his nightstand. Standing up, Carlos said, "We better get going to Rocque Records."

"I don't want too." Carlos was in the doorway at this point, and turned around to face Kendall. "What do you mean?" He asked.

"Maybe I don't want this anymore!" Kendall suddenly jumped out of his seat, his face changing emotions quickly. "Maybe I don't want to be a singer anymore! Maybe I just want to go back to Minnesota and forget about this crazy lifestyle that I never even wanted in the first place! I don't want to do this anymore Carlos. I can't do this anymore."

Kendall collapsed forward onto his knees, tears streaming down his face. He placed his bruised face in his hands, sobs escaping him. Carlos took slow steps across the room, but Kendall put one hand up to stop the Latino. "Please, just go away." Kendall pleaded.

"Are you sure?" Carlos didn't want to leave Kendall alone. Not in such a distress state like this. If Carlos left the room, and Kendall tried something again, he would be held responsible if Kendall actually achieved his goal this time…

"I'm not going to do anything." Kendall said with a sniffle. "I just really need to be alone. Please, just wait for me out in the living. Call Gustavo and tell him I'm sick. I need to think things over. Alone."

"Kendall…"

"I said go away!" Kendall roared. Carlos quickly backed out of the room, leaving Kendall alone. Once Carlos was safely away, Kendall collapsed onto his side, curling up into a ball, crying to himself.

What was he supposed to do now?


	23. Chapter 23

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**The updating schedule has now been bumped up to twice a week: Wednesdays and Sundays. And this story has only two more chapters left. The next chapter, followed by the epilogue, and then this story will be completed.**

**Now please, do enjoy what little time we have left with this story. And sorry this update is coming so late. Fanfiction was having login problems, and yeah. Just enjoy, okay?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan**

* * *

"_The history of the world, my pet…Is learn forgiveness and try to forget! And life is for the alive, my dear! So let's keep living it! Just keep living it, really living it!" _~From 'The Final Scene', of the play/movie, Sweeney Todd

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Three**

"Are you really considering leaving the Palm Woods?"

The blonde looked up from the floor to his friend with bloodshot eyes. Kendall swallowed and nodded his head. "Don't be angry." He begged. "I known that this is your dream, but I'm just not sure if I can keep living it any longer."

"I'm actually surprised you didn't want to leave earlier." James confessed. "With everything that has happened, I figured you would have left months ago."

"Part of me wants to leave," Kendall sighed, "Yet I remain. I'm so torn on what to do right now. I really do love it here at the Palm Woods. But there are just so many bad memories associated here."

"And there are memories with Minnesota too." James retorted.

"What do I do?" Kendall asked. With a quick sweep of his hand to his face, he removed any more stray tears. "James, what am I going to do?"

"Want to know what I think you should do?" Kendall nodded his head. James took in a deep breathe, then said, "I think you should leave the Palm Woods."

Kendall couldn't help but widen his green eyes. Before he opened his mouth, James launched in an explanation. "And you shouldn't go back to Minnesota. You just need to leave behind all the awful memories here and Minnesota. Katie, you, and your mother need to get away from here and Minnesota. Go somewhere, start fresh."

"And where am I supposed to go?" Kendall hissed, standing up off his sitting position on the floor. "I can't just go take off some cross country road trip with my family."

"My great aunt passed away recently and left her beach house in Florida to my parents. They wouldn't mind letting you and family go stay there till you can find a new place."

Kendall, to say the least, was speechless. James- the boy who egged him the most about coming out to Hollywood and living the dream- was telling him to get out of Hollywood and basically run away. "I'm not sure about that." Kendall said, shaking his head.

"Well the offer stands till you turn it." James backed away into the doorway, watching Kendall as he did. "Really think about it. I think this would be good for you."

* * *

"It's about time we talked."

Jo looked up from the script in her to Kendall, who was still bruised up from his earlier fight with Jett. "How 'bout no?" Jo shut her script, and stood up hastily. She brushed past Kendall, walking away. Quickly reaching out, Kendall caught Jo by the wrist, spinning her into him.

And then he kissed her. It wasn't a simple kiss though. He cupped the sides of Jo's face, pressing his lips against her surprised ones. Jo's script fell to floor, the only noise in the empty, silent lobby. Finally, Kendall broke the kiss off. They both separated slightly, panting as they did so.

"What was that?" Jo whispered against Kendall's nose.

"I needed to know if I still felt the sparks." He replied, curling his fingers in her blonde mane. "I needed to know what I still feel for you."

"And what do you feel?"

Kendall whispered one word. "Nothing."

"I felt nothing either." Jo reached up with her free hand, and removed Kendall's hands from her hair. She stepped back, rubbing at her upper arm nervously. "Why did you do that?"

"I'm considering leaving the Palm Woods." Kendall explained. "I need to figure out what is keeping me grounded here. And judging from the kiss, its not you."

"Well, I guess that's good?" Jo said, but it came out more as a question. The conversation they were having was awkward. Over the past several months, the only times they ever spoke was when they were screaming at each other. "So, are you going to leave?"

"I don't know yet." Kendall said. "But I think I may. Its just so many things are associated with this place; so many demons, and they are a lot for me to handle."

"Am I one of those demons?" Kendall was taken back by how tiny Jo's voice was. Looking at the blonde girl in front of him…she looked scared, upset, hurt.

"You were." Kendall replied. "But not anymore. You're just another person to me now."

Kendall began to walk away, but then Jo called out, "Did you try to kill yourself over me?"

He looked over his shoulder at her. "You were one of the reasons."

"If you do leave," Jo quickly crossed the room till she reached Kendall, "Know that I am sorry for what I did to you. I was so wrapped up in Jett, my career, my reputation that I forget to look at the others around me. I know that you will never forgive me for what I have done to you, but understand that I am sorry for my actions."

"You're right," Kendall said in a hushed tone, "I will never forgive you."

And with that final note, Kendall walked away from Jo Taylor.

* * *

"I'm sorry."

Charlene looked up from the dinner she was cooking to her son, who was standing at the kitchen counter. "For what sweetheart?"

"We haven't talked since I accused you of all those awful things you did to me when I was ten. You need to know that I'm sorry over that fight. I was wrong to yell at you like that. I was just so upset over everything that was happening around me, and I took it out on you."

"I was wrong too." Charlene said. "I did take out my anger over the divorce on you. We were both wrong."

"Dad was cheating, wasn't he?" Kendall asked in a soft voice. "You just lied to Katie and I all these years so we wouldn't see our father any differently then we were used too."

"He met Alex at a bar when you were six." Charlene sighed. The memories of what Kenneth did to her still hurt her damaged heart after all these years. "When you were eight, I had just dropped you and Katie off at my parents' house. We were stopping there so to sleep there for the night before a long day of traveling the next day for our vacation. Your father couldn't come because he had a 'business trip'. That night, Katie began to cry because she had left her family stuffed animal at home. I went home to retrieve it, and when I walked into the house…"

"Stop." Kendall pleaded. "I know what you are going to say next. Please, don't say anymore."

"Just now that what is done is done." Charlene stated, pulling her shaking son into a hug. "I am sorry for what I did to you in the past, and I forgive you for the fight we had. I am also sorry for that fight that night. That night, we both were wrong. But from when you were eight to ten, I was wrong. I love you, never forget that."

"I love you too." Kendall said back.

Kendall had fixed things with Jo and his mother. He felt lighter; like pressure had been taking off his shoulders. Yet the chains on his feet remained.

What was still keeping him grounded to the Palm Woods?


	24. Chapter 24

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**Sadly, the next chapter will be the last! Do not worry, I will not be disappearing from the writing world. I will be back with my new story entitled **_**Man on the Moon**_**.**

**Now that this story is wrapping up, I want you to voice your thoughts. Such as what was your favorites quote(s)? I;m really curious to know what your thoughts on this story where, and your thoughts/reviews are what keep me writing, so please do share them!**

**Please, do enjoy, because next chapter, we end our time.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan.**

* * *

"_Tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much. And my scars remind me that the past is real. I tear my heart open just to feel…" _~Scars by Papa Roach

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Four**

The door flying open to his office caused Dr. Klavan to practically jump up out of his chair in surprise. "Kendall?" Ryan questioned at seeing the blonde entering unexpectedly. Setting his pen down, the young doctor ran his fingers through his brown hair at seeing the distraught look on the Kendall's face. "You do know that our sessions are over, right?"

"I need help." Kendall's eyes shined with fresh tears as he spoke. "I am so torn right now. Everybody is encouraging me to leave the Palm Woods and go somewhere new with my family. They all think I need a fresh start somewhere else. But I feel like I am stuck in between two different places. Like one foot is on one side of a fence, but my other foot is on the other side. I don't know what to do."

Everything quickly fell back into its normal routine for the two. "Well, have you been able to figure out why you want to stay here?" Dr. Klavan said, asking one of his normal questions that would lead into the discussion.

"I thought it was Jo." Kendall said, remembering back to his previous sparkles kiss with the blonde girl. "But it isn't here. I thought maybe the fight with my mother was my problem too, but it wasn't. I don't know what it is."

"So your reason lies subconsciously then." Dr. Klavan noted. "The reason you are here is deep inside your head Kendall. You are the one keeping it locked away in that complicated maze of yours. You want to know the answer? Go searching."

"What exactly am I searching for?" Kendall asked. "What am I supposed to be looking for?"

Dr. Klavan rubbed his face with his hands. "It isn't going to be easy. You are looking for the reason you are still here in Hollywood. Dig deep is what you will need to do. When digging though Kendall….you will be bringing up old memories to the surface. It's going to be an emotional time for you. You will have to remember things that you really wish you wouldn't have too. Kendall, this is going to be extremely hard. Can you handle that?"

Kendall nodded his head. "If I don't do this, then I won't get the answer I need."

"Are you ready?"

With a determined look in his eyes, Kendall nodded his head. "Let's do this."

* * *

Fifty two minutes later, Kendall had experienced every emotion known to man.

He had experienced anger multiple times. The worst had been when he had to talk about his father's affair behind his mother's back.

He had experienced joy several times. Echoes of smiles were flicker their way onto the blonde's face when he would speak of happy times with his friends and family.

Denial was something that came up more than once. Kendall would tell a lie, but Dr. Klavan, being the genius he was, would see through the lies. When Dr. Klavan would then confront Kendall, the denial would come up.

Then the guilt would set on. When the guilt became too much to handle, that's when the tears would come flowing out, reaching the sadness stage, which was playing itself out the most. As the clock tolled five, Kendall couldn't believe he had cried as much as he did in the past two hours.

But a breakthrough was bubbling on the surface.

"We have been through ever single detail of my life." Kendall said through a dry, scratchy throat. "We haven't reached anything."

"We are almost there." Dr. Klavan reassured. "We know that it isn't your mother, Jo, Katie, your father, or any of the people at the Palm Woods. Your friends aren't keeping you grounded here either."

"Then what is it?" Kendall exclaimed, throwing his head back. "What is keeping me from making a decision to stay or go?"

"You said before that if you left Hollywood, you would go and stay in a house in Florida, right?" Dr. Klavan said, a thought beginning to form in his head.

"Yeah, James offered me the beach house his family inherited from his deceased aunt." Kendall confirmed.

"And why not go back to Minnesota?" Dr. Klavan asked, leaning back in his chair. Kendall shrugged in response. A smile worked its way onto Dr. Klavan's face.

A breakthrough had been reached.

"You don't want to go back to Minnesota because of Alex. You don't want to leave the Palm Woods because you are scared of what lies beyond those walls."

"No, that's not true." Kendall denied, shaking his head as he cast his gaze downwards towards his shoes.

"Come on Kendall." Dr. Klavan got the young boy's attention back on him. "Over these past few months that I have gotten to know you, your life has been plagued by demons all around. You have been hurt so many times, and your body has adapted to this by shoving the truth downwards. You are still hurting Kendall. You go out act like everything is fine because you want to believe your fine. Let's face the fact Kendall. You are still in pain over everything that has happened, and it's going to be a long time before you recover from it."

Kendall quickly turned his head to the side, wanting to be blind to the truth. But he just couldn't. Looking back at Dr. Klavan, he said, "I am scared."

"And that's the thing Kendall," Dr. Klavan leaned forward in his chair, his brown eyes offering honest sympathy, "You have every right to be hurting. Your father is dead and you were turned into a national scandal all by the age of sixteen. No one blames you for wanting to escape that life. So you tried to hang yourself; end all the pain. But now you have to live in the aftermath of what has happened. Life is scary Kendall. But we all have to face it everyday right in the eye. Being scared is just your way of dealing with it. You don't want to go back to Minnesota because you are afraid of facing Alex. You don't want to have to deal with all those emotions you have been experiencing here back at the place you thought you could call home. But running away to Florida won't change anything. Life will catch up with you there. Anywhere you go, these emotions you feel now are going to follow you there."

"So how do I deal with them?"

"You just do." Dr. Klavan offered a small smile, which made it easier for Kendall to look at the man. "There is no technique or medication that help us deal with life. Life itself is a drug. We take it, feeling better or feeling worse because of it. But when you take medication, after a while you feel better because of it. At this point Kendall, you just need to swallow and wait for things to take effect."

"I just need to suck it up and deal with everything then?" Kendall questioned. "Because at some point, everything will fix out and be better again?"

"I've learned the hard way myself Kendall," Dr. Klavan's eyes wandered to the picture of his deceased daughter on his desk, "Nothing stays bad. We just have to keep our heads high and wait for things to work out. And that is all you can do."

"I'm only staying at the Palm Woods because I'm scared to face what lies beyond California." Kendall said aloud, not really speaking to anybody in general. "But I need to face life and move on."

"Have you made your decision then on whether to stay or go?"

Kendall's green eyes once again sparkled with determination, but this time, victory also was in the mix. "I know what I'm going to do."


	25. Chapter 25

**Waiting on 'Superman'**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from Big Time Rush. I only own the plot, along with Dr. Klavan.**

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"_Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anybody can start today and make a new ending." _~Maria Robinson

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**Chapter Twenty Five**

_One Year Later…_

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, our class valedictorian!"

The crowd cheered as a sparkling-eyed boy draped in a dark green gown made his way to the podium. The golden tassel blew into his face with the wind that gently floated through the open outside area. Smirking, the now eighteen year old boy (who insisted on being called a man now that he was classified as a legal adult), finally found his place at the podium.

"Uh, hey," He greeted nervously, tugged at the ends of his gown. All eyes were on him, making the _man_ feel nervous. He glanced over his shoulder, catching his friends' eyes. They gave him a thumbs up, silently telling him that everything was going to be okay. Nothing had changed since he had made that decision when he was seventeen. Nothing was different.

Expect the boy, now turned man, felt so much different than a year ago.

"When they ask me to be class valedictorian, I got to tell you, I was pretty shocked." He began, his eyes scanning over the sea of people. "Most people would argue that I'm good with words, but most of my speeches are spur of the moment type of things. So when I realized that giving a speech for my fellow classmates, I had no clue what to say."

He wanted to faint. He wanted darkness to consume him and take him to a dead silent dark world. But since he was sixteen, he had been running to find himself. Now, standing here in front of a crowd of hundreds, he realized this people would never know his story. Since he was sixteen, he had been hiding his story from the world.

Now it was time for everybody to know the truth about who he really was.

"My name is Kendall Knight," He began again, catching his breath for a moment as he realized what he was about to do, "And these note cards mean nothing." He paused, throwing the colored index cards to the side. "A valedictorian's job is to tell you how me and my fellow classmates have had such a great time over the years we have been together. But if I told you all that, I be lying."

"My high school life was hell. I moved out to California when I was sixteen, and when I was on the borderline of turning seventeen, I began to see what the world really held. Lies, scandal, corruption, hurt, sorrow, pain; all of these things tormented me when I was betrayed by the person I thought I loved. My father died in a horrid accident, and my baby sister told me she hated me. How was I feeling at this time? I felt like there was no end to this bottom-less pit I was falling through. I needed to stop falling."

"So I tied a rope around my neck, kicked a stool out from under me, and tried to kill myself."

A gasp rippled through the crowd. Kendall took in all their reactions. There was the mother in the front row who had thrown her hands over her child's ears like Kendall had just gone out on some wild cursing spree. There was the husband and wife in the front row who had linked hands, probably thinking about what would have happened if it had been there own child who had taken the same actions Kendall had. Then there was Charlene Knight and Katie, the elder of the two wrapping an arm around the latter. Katie made eye contact with Kendall, and nodded her fourteen year old head at her big brother.

"I survived, as you can tell." Kendall continued. "But I was then stuck living in the aftermath that I had created. My life had been taken and thrown off course. Everything that I knew was no more."

Kendall could feel his throat tightening. Tears were springing his eyes, but through his slightly blurred vision Kendall could clearly see Dr. Klavan sitting in the front row, a small encouraging smile on his face. And next to him sat a curly haired blonde beauty, her slender hand linked with his. Rachel Klavan gave Kendall a small wave, showing that both the Klavans' were giving Kendall there full supported as he spoke the truth.

Ryan and Rachel had reconnected around little Jenny's birthday. They had decided to get together and celebrated their daughter's joyous, yet short life, together instead of fighting over it. Their old sparks began to reignite, and they had married in December of Kendall's senior year.

"How do you live in a new life?" Kendall said, confidence rebuilding in him. "How do you adjust to a whole new life when everything you had known was no more? My life felt like I was the lone survivor of apocalypse. Everything was just gone. How do you live in a world with nothing?"

"My main emotion was nothing. Sure, I would get upset or angry, but I was just so numb. I would spend hours at end staring at blank walls, thinking nothing. It may sound extreme, but I was just so numb. It was hard to feel anything when I felt like I had nothing to live for. I wasn't allowed to work, so I was alone most of time. Classified as 'depressed' and 'suicidal' by the doctors who treated me in the hospital after my attempt, I was sent to a therapist. I didn't want to do it. Why would I want to talk to some stupid shrink who is just being paid to sit there and go 'Yes sir, I understand how you feel.' But I was placed in the hands of a man who understood what it was like to lose a loved one. He understood my pain, and I think that's why I was so resistant to opening up to him at first."

In the front row, a wide smile spread onto Dr. Klavan's face, which helped Kendall continue on with his speech.

"But I warmed up to him, but I was still plagued by demons. I still had my lost love hating me and I was fighting with everybody I loved. There was so many times when I just wanted to quit and go and try to kill myself again. But it took one of my best friends' passing out for me to see that I really wasn't the only one hurting. I had caused so much trouble and misery for everybody because I was too busy grieving for myself. What kind of person does that make me? What kind of person am I then? I was supposed to be the leader; I was supposed to be the guide for everybody. I let them all down. What kind of person am I then?"

Kendall's voice was sharp and intense. He wanted to scream, throw a fit in front of everybody. He instead, he lowered his voice back to a normal tone as he began speaking again.

"I realized that I needed to be strong again. It was hard. I was so terrified of adjusting to life again after being a hollow shell for so long. Pressure built on me, and I wanted to run away from it all. So when my friend offered me a place to run too, I suddenly felt grounded to the place I had been living in. With the help of my caring therapist, I reached a conclusion that suited to my needs."

He made eye contact with Alex, looking at the brunette who had an arm wrapped around Lea, with pitiful eyes. She knew why Kendall didn't want to go back to Minnesota. Kendall and Alex's relationship was strained after Kendall finally confronted Alex about the affair, but the two were trying to repair things after their big blow out. In time, everything would be fine.

"I left the Palm Woods and went to Florida."

Once again, the nerves set in. Looking over his shoulder, James, Carlos, and Logan gave another reassuring thumbs up. Taking in a deep breathe, Kendall faced his classmates' families once again.

"I spent a good three months there before finally returning here to the Palm Woods. I just didn't fit in Florida. It wasn't home. Florida didn't feel like home, and Minnesota had lost that feeling a long time ago to me. Back here at the Palm Woods though, I found where I really belong. All of my classmates who sit up here on this stage with me today," Kendall paused and gestured to the other eighteen year olds sitting behind him, "Helped me find my place here again. And that is why I have come to view them as family. They helped me realize that here at the Palm Woods is where I belong. That is why this graduating class will stand out from the rest. They aren't just friends or kind, caring people. They are people who deserve a spot in the history books. People who deserve to be immortalized for generations to come."

Carlos, from behind Kendall, let out a whooping cheer, causing the crowd to laugh. Kendall glanced over his shoulder, looking at all his smiling friends. He turned back to the audience, ready to deliver his finally words.

"All my life, ever since I was a little kid, I have been waiting on a Superman. A hero to come in and scoop me up, then set me away on top of a building while he went back down and fixed all my problems. But now I realize there is no such thing as a hero, a Superman per say. Supermans are just fictional characters that parents create to help children fall asleep at night easier. Parents put these super heroes in children's heads so they can shelter there children from the horrors of the world. Superman isn't real. Batman isn't real. None of these characters are real. They are simply nothing more than a trick to make children believe that evil doesn't exist in the world. But heroes, on the other hand, are real. These people sitting behind me are heroes. They are artists, poets, singers, actors, and mostly importantly, humans. They are my idols, my friends, my family, my saviors. For that, I will thank and love each of them till the day I die. And everything we have ever been though, to that I can say is thank you."

Kendall gave a small bow before returning to his seat, thunderous applause filling the Palm Woods Park as he did.

"Will the first row of graduates please rise?"

The first row of the senior class of the Palm Woods class rose, ready to finally graduate from high school. One by one, each student went to the front of the stage, collecting their diplomas. James was the first of the group called. Cheers were all around as the tall boy ripped open his gown and flashed his washboard abs for the crowd, something he promised Carlos he would if Carlos would give him his sundae a few weeks ago.

Carlos went up next. He was smiling and wave to all as he collected his diploma. Before he left the front of the stage, Carlos quickly grabbed the microphone on the podium and shouted, "Take that all! I did graduate! And you said I wouldn't! Ha Logan, cheese doodles really do help improve I.Q. points!" The microphone was ripped from his hands right away. Carlos was ushered back to his seat by a teacher as the next student came up to collect their own diploma.

Kendall was the next to go, but he did with ease. He walked up, shook hands with the principal, flashed a smile for his mother, who was no doubt taking pictures, and collected his diploma without trouble. His speech had already left a mark on the crowd and school.

The last of the four was Logan, who was also the co-valedictorian of the graduating class. Loud cheers erupted as he collected his diploma, a blush sitting on his normally pale cheeks as he did. Logan followed the same routine as Kendall did before taking his seat once again.

"Will the graduates please rise?"

All the seniors rose, the moment they had been finally arriving. The principal of the school walked up the front of the stage, facing as the crowd as he spoke into the microphone. "You may now move your tassels." In a synchronized movement, they all moved there golden tassels to the opposite side they had been resting then.

"Congratulations, you all have officially completed your high school educations. You have all passed, and are officially graduates."

Cheers from the students broke out. Dozens of hats flew into the air as the screams grew louder in volume. The students, despite being told not to do this previously, ran off the stage, finding their families. The principal shrugged and laughed it off. "They always were a disobedient bunch." He laughed to himself before walking off the stage.

Kendall found Alex, Charlene, and Katie somehow in the mess. He hugged each of them, planting a kiss on his mother and stepmother's cheek before picking up his little sister and spinning her around in a circle. Katie laughed as Kendall set her down. Looking behind his mother's head, Kendall saw Dr. Klavan and his wife, still holding hands. Kendall rushed over to them, giving the five month pregnant Rachel a big hug before embracing Dr. Klavan in a manly one.

"I can never thank you enough for you have done for me." Kendall said into Ryan's ear, low enough that only the doctor would here. The doctor just smiled before once again hugging Kendall.

Ryan Klavan had become a father to Kendall since he had first met the fiery blonde. The two were constantly doing things together, and Kendall would even assist with helping Ryan talk to younger patients. Another one of Kendall's heroes was the man standing in front of him. The man with messy brown hair and gold circle glasses who was only thirty four, and already two PhDs and a degree in psychology, and recently getting his third PhD. The man who was the reason Kendall was going off to college for a degree in psychology.

James, Carlos, and Logan joined the group with their family, the four friends embraced in a hug. "We did it!" James cheered as the friends pulled away.

"I can't believe it!" Carlos shouted, bouncing up and down.

"Well I can." Logan responded sarcastically. Kendall laughed as he looked around at his three smiling best friends. Despite the fact that they were each going separate ways for college; Logan for a degree in medicine, James for a teaching degree, and Carlos for a degree in criminal justice, Kendall knew they wouldn't be fading away from each other's memories or lives anytime soon. Big Time Rush, although becoming more a side project to their studies, still mattered. Nothing was changing.

Kendall's green eyes found their way towards the blue sky. White clouds danced about as they rode along with the Earth's rotation. But something else in the sky made Kendall blink and rub at his eyes.

It was something red and dark blue, flying across the sky.

"Come on Kendall, let's go party!"

Looking back down at the horizon, Kendall saw his friends and family beginning to walk away. He jogged to catch up with them, not even looking back towards the sky to see if what he had seen was actually real.

**The End**

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**And that concludes Waiting on 'Superman'. When I started out this story, I had no clue that it was going to turn out to be this popular. Many times over the course of this story, I have been told that my writing has evolved into more mature and almost poetic writing. My first thoughts were, "What are these people talking about?" So I actually went back and read some of my first published works. And if you judge the differences between them, you can really tell how my writing as matured. **

**This story is the story is my favorite work that I have ever written before. Not to sound conceited or anything, but I really do think this is my best story. You can tell I have matured, and that my writing sounds so much older than I actually am. This story won an award for Best Kendall Angst Story (which I still am in shock over). **

**The major theme in this story is suicide. Bullying and lies lead to dangerous thoughts and results, as you can with what happened to Kendall. Words and actions hurt people deeply, and it so easy to knock down even the strongest person with what people do. Sticks and stones do break bones. Suicide is never the answer. Help is out there, along with love and hope. Never try anything to end your life. People love and care about you, so never do anything like what Kendall do. Just keep your head high and remember things will get better. Nothing ever stays bad forever.**

**The response I have received with this story will always blow my mind. Every single review I have gotten has put a smile on my face, as they always do. The support I have received is amazing, and I am grateful for it. I do hope that I lived up to all your expectations, and will continue to do so in the future.**

**Thank you to all again.**

**-TheRescuer2**


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